Signs of the Times

It's my birthday and I'll blog if I want to. I almost vetoed my writing desires. It seems a bit narcissistic to ask people to pay more attention to you on a day that is already shaped by the culture to draw attention to you.

25 is a pretty significant age. At 18 you can vote, smoke and drink, and the government considers you a legal adult. 25 is a little different, instead of legally being able to participate in activities that require some sort of foresight and wisdom at 25 people like insurance and car rental companies figure you've messed up enough with the smoking and alcohol to have developed the foresight and wisdom necessary to drive properly.

The fact that I'm excited about discounted car insurance and the ability to rent cars shows my age.

So to summarize. I'm excited about the drop in my insurance.

Use Your Imagination.

I have to admit, I have some qualms with a lot of writing and music done by Christians. It's not that there isn't anything good out there, it's just drowned out by a lot of terrible stuff.

A friend of mine said, "Christian music is the only genre where you can really suck and get away with it." If you play at a bar, the guy in front rocking the air guitar is going to explore the depths of his limited four letter drunken vocabulary to tell you just how he feels about your mediocre guitar riffs. This sort of environment has two results, 1) you either get better so next time he rocks out Van Halen style 2) you decide getting better isn't worth the trouble, so you give up and free the world from listening to your 'artistic' version of the Final Countdown.

I know I know, people put a lot of work into their art. I really don't mind people being bad at something on their way to doing it well (otherwise we're all screwed), I just wish Christian audiences (and otherwise) would express honestly what they did and didn't like about something (to the artist). "Well Jason, your writing is a bit scattered. It makes me think you are buying your essays from a website run by squirrels. Frankly I think your ideas are nuts (sorry)."

So here's what I suggest you do. Next time someone shows you a piece of writing, or maybe a song they wrote, really read it. Either read it thoroughly, or tell them you don't really have the time. Make observations like "I don't think this is very interesting, because...." or, "I thought those lyrics were a little bland, it may have been a meaningful expression of your experiences, but you didn't effectively recreate those experiences for me."

Artists do need encouragement, but if there is any hope that they will improve, they do need to know what they are doing wrong. If they can't take any thoughtful (thoughtful meaning a thought out specific response) criticism, they probably shouldn't be a writer, musician, or artist anyway.

Please join me in helping young musicians, writers, and other artists (myself included), by honestly expressing your opinion in a thoughtful way. Otherwise we will continue to produce cliche' mediocre pieces of work that you will have to listen to, look at, and lie about for the rest of your life.

Thank you to those who have had the cahones to be critical of my writing.

Social Economics.

We tend to say and do things that give us social currency, I should know, I'm in a band. I have just made a withdrawal from my social ATM and used it to purchase some of your affection.

Earlier today I was waiting for my Literary Criticism class (I didn't have to name the class but it makes me look smarter) when a couple of students walked by and started talking about another student, "Oh she's undergrad right?" People who are not grad students don't use the word undergrad that casually. Another social currency. I'm not saying we need to be paranoid, it's just more evidence that maybe I'm more than a little insecure if I admit it, and so are you.

All The Things Unseen.

I appreciate the group of believers I spend time with on Sunday morning, but it still seems we are missing something, or ignoring it.

As I looked around this morning I saw several examples of messy hope. I saw a lot of people who simultaneously represented downfall and grace. I saw marital failure, bouts of promiscuity, substance abuse, depression, pain, and chaos. At the same time I saw people raising their hands to the only hope they have, admitting they cannot be their own hope.

What I saw was messy, but beautiful.

Meanwhile, what I hear seems ignorant of what I see. The man with the broken marriage likes to talk football, the woman with depression comments on a new restaurant. Were I to go on what they said it would seem God is being praised for a great meal or a sports victory, but I think I know better.

Someday what is said will be about what is, and it will be beautiful. For now it will just take some imagination to see what I know is there.

A Thousand Little Things Make a Person.

When we think about life forming experiences, it's easy to get caught up on major life events as the only things that matter.

Like that time I had a crush on the baby sitter and tried to beat my brothers at hide and seek. At the time I was operating under the assumption that girls fifteen years older than me find this attractive. I don't try it anymore only because I'm married, and because I am twenty five. Hide and seek doesn't appeal to cougars like Corvette's do. So... I did successfully out-hide my brothers, and even threw in some extra hiding after I had already won. I was feeling pretty good about my romantic prospects with the babysitter until I needed to pass gas. It turns out I had diarrhea. If it weren't for that digestive issue I would probably be married to that woman. I suppose it's for the best.

People tend to take issues like that and use them to figure out why people are the way they are. I see some balding guy with scholar's glasses on the end of his nose saying, "Hm, that situation probably produced competency issues around women." Yea maybe, I do still shit myself from time to time when Courtney and I are having an argument, but in the end, as traumatic as that situation was, it was one experience that lasted about thirty minutes.

I used to have this idea that God changing my heart revolved entirely around major life events where he shows up and does something significant and amazing, which he has done by the way. I think this drives our desire to create that 'special moment' or make something spectacular or huge happen at every Bible study, prayer time, or scrap booking party.

I'm learning that much of who we are is formed in all those moments we don't give much credence to, all those little adjustments that God makes before driving things home in our heart. Which makes me ask, what am I doing with all those little moments?

It's easy to give into the minute rice version of following Jesus. Instant results that come out of some event we just show up for once in a while. But walking with Jesus is much more like cooking rice out of a fifteen pound bag; you have to boil the water, put rice in for fifteen minutes, let it simmer for fifteen minutes, then let it set on your plate for five more minutes so it's cool enough to eat; and usually you cook it a minute long or a minute short and its either soggy or crunchy.

What I'm trying to say is that I've seen people who go through a lot of 'revivals' and in the long run whether or not they look like Jesus depends a lot more on what happens in between those times, when very few people are watching, when there isn't some cool Christian band to get us excited about God.

People Don't Listen To You If Your A Jerk: Revisited

Watched a video of a theological debate in class yesterday. It was enjoyable, the discussion was lively, and generally cordial, all except for the youngest in the group who wore glasses like Rob Bell. He was a jerk.

As I watched the video I became aware of my emotional response to him. I didn't like him. He kept interrupting other people because he had some important point that would seal the argument forever (he had a lot of those), and he talked about three times as much as everyone else. No surprise to me I disagreed with him the most. Cognitively and emotionally.

I could say that maybe I didn't like him because I didn't agree with him, but there was another member of the panel who was older, much more respectful, and much less arrogant (yet still confident), gentleman who took the same position. While I still found myself disagreeing with him, I tended to listen more, and every once in a while say, "Hm that was a good thought, I hadn't thought of that before."

Just because someone is a jerk doesn't mean their wrong, but it makes it harder to want to agree with them, or believe what they are saying is true. Frankly you are hoping that they are wrong and get embarrassed somehow. I don't tend to side with people and at the same time hope they get embarrassed.

My junior year of high school I went to this debate at Oregon State University. I don't remember much about it, except for one particular question during the question and answer time. During the debate it became obvious that the man Marcus Borg (a current member of the Jesus Seminar) viewed Jesus claims at deity as symbolic, while the other man was rather evangelical in his views. A student asked the question, "Is Jesus the Lamb of God sent to take away the sin of the world." Borg stuttered a bit then went on to explain the allegory, that Jesus wasn't actually a Lamb, and He didn't actually take away sins.

After a moment, the other man took a drink of water, smiled a bit and said yes. I would have understood a little chuckle from the crowd and from Marcus Borg himself. The response was meant to be poignant and impacting, but still tasteful. At this remark a large group of the audience erupted into mass applause, denoting a victory for evangelicals around the world. It was like they expected Jesus to come in and say, "Alright guys, you did it, thanks for ushering in my return and finally settling the question for every unbeliever everywhere." He didn't.

The evangelical man looked a little perturbed and spoke something into the mic that made the applause stop and the crowd feel awkward. He, unlike the evangelicals in the crowd, understood the idea about not being a jerk about your belief.

I don't know that applause like that really accomplishes anything, those people weren't clapping for Jesus, they were clapping for a zinger that made Borg look stupid. I doubt that drew anyone in the room toward the Jesus they represented.

He who has knowledge spares his words, and a man of understanding has a cool spirit. Even a fool when he holds his peace is considered wise; when he closes his lips he is esteemed a man of understanding.

Proverbs 17:27-28

What Scares Children About Christianity

Growing up, I sat through a lot of business meetings with people who liked to sing songs like Victory in Jesus or They Will Know We are Christians By Our Love. I hated business meetings, a lot. A part of me found them entertaining, like watching a train wreck, or reality TV before reality TV existed. To this day I like the idea of being the fly on the wall in an argument, it's intriguing. I suppose if I was home around 1pm and had a tv I'd be addicted to soap operas.

Soap operas aside. Another part of me was scared. Kids don't think much about the future, but when they do there is this assumption that everything will be exactly the same as it is now, except that there will be a jet-pack or a pony, and a laser gun. As I sat in those business meetings I felt trapped, like I would never get out willingly, but I would probably get voted off the island at some point. After putting out my torch I would fly away in my jetpack.

If I were ever in a church that had business meetings like that again, I probably wouldn't go to them. If they made me I would probably listen to a Rock review podcast, put tape over my mouth, and gouge my eyes out. Obviously I kid. I would probably listen to James Earl Jones read the Bible, that way I would have the excuse of doing something spiritual.

Next time you decide to have an argument about whether or not the new chairs should be blue or red, or which version of the Bible should be used in preaching, or really anything that shows that you are fighting for something you consider more important than the person you are arguing with, remember there are children listening. They may be getting their jetpack fueled and ready to go.

Shame Looks Like Polite Behavior

I've been pulled over nine times, for lots of reasons. I've only received two tickets, both of those for speeding. The first ticket was twenty days after I got my license, as I was driving to basketball practice. I was running late, and my alarm that morning was literally a half dead chicken being chewed on by our dog outside the window. I was distracted, and frustrated, and running late for JV basketball practice. In high school you don't show up late for practice, it hurts your chances of getting on the varsity team later, and ultimately getting a girlfriend. I was speeding, I got a ticket.

When you've been pulled over that many times with so few tickets to show for it, you start to think of cops differently. You'd think I would be fearless and feel invincible. It's quite the opposite actually. I could be staring at my speedometer, going 55, hands on 10 and 2, and I'll feel a fear come over me when a cop drives by. I just know he's going to get me for something. He and all his cop friends from across the country are having a discussion over donuts every morning about how they regretted letting me off all those times, and how they are going to get me one of these days.

Shame feels like that, this looming feeling that I'm going to get it someday, somehow someone will see that time.... even now I am thinking carefully about what sorts of words I use so I don't tip you off as to what I'm talking about. So here's where I check my speedometer, and put my hands on ten and two so you're none the wiser.

Some Day I'll Stop Blaming the Church.

It's really easy to blame generic entities for my problems. McDonald's made me fat, those politicians are responsible for screwing up our economy, and germain to today's topic, the mainstream evangelical church is ruining everything.

I like to use the last one quite a bit. For example I could say that the church is terrible at relating to the poor, homosexuals, Democrats, and anyone else the deem outside of orthodoxy, faith, or comfort zone. For a few seconds I feel like I'm actually saying something, fighting the corrupt institution, setting people free from religious chains.

I don't want to use generalizations anymore, please call me out if I do. I'll try to be more specific from now on.

At some point I would like to be free from the angst I have against the religious culture I have experienced in my lifetime, as well as the one I have created in my own life, the second issue is they key to solving the first.

By the way I should point out that the religious culture I grew up in is full of wonderful people who care a lot about their faith and serving others. They have encouraged me to seek God, and in large part I have them to thank for introducing me to Jesus.

My default modus operandi is the opposite of the motivation that Jesus calls me to. Essentially I resort to insecurity, shame, people pleasing, and self serving in most situations. As a result I want to be validated by people around me that I see as somehow pious or passionate about faith (usually in external forms), and I want to fit in and be accepted by the culture I grew up in (namely North American Evangelical church).

As I look to be validated by a group that shares my faith in following Jesus, but chooses to express that in sometimes very different ways than I do I have two options: 1) stop trying to be validated by them through mimicry; 2) change them so they live like me. My cynicism and angst bring me to the conclusion that I usually do the first.

Jesus didn't feel the need to be validated by anyone but the Father, no matter what setting He was in. He said some pretty harsh things regarding the religious system of the time, but He had the right, seeing that He had originally put the Jewish system of worship in place. Jesus didn't cause a fuss because He felt insecure about Himself. Jesus seemed comfortable in His own shoes.

I probably won't stop raising questions I have about faith, but anything flowing from my own insecurities aren't helpful, they'll just degrade to urgent thoughts flowing out of insecurities. I'm sure I will continue at times to resort to insecurity and angst as a motivation but by the miracle of God's interaction with His people I think I'm heading in the right direction, this is after all a journey.

Why Kindness Matters

If you are a Jerk, I'm more likely to think you are also an idiot.

It doesn't really matter if you are right or not. You might have arguments that would convince Hannibal Lecter to go Vegan. But if you give off that vibe that you are far superior to those around you, and that no one else has anything worthwhile to say, I probably won't feel like listening.

All the knowledge in the world is useless if it cannot be communicated effectively and cordially.

Thank you for letting me vent.

Too Much to Do On My Own

Prayer is really important. It's not just a little thing we should do before meals, or a meditation tool we use to align our inner self; it is talking with God. It's something I don't do enough.

I've been praying more lately (lately meaning yesterday), not just the little talk to God here and there thing, but setting aside a chunk of time to pray about a lot of different things. It's a bit humbling. I'm starting to realize I didn't think prayer was that important before. In my head I had thoughts like, "Oh yes more prayer is better," but I saw it as something that had more to do with relationship than anything else. I realized this week that there is a lot in my life and the lives of those around me that God wants to change, and for whatever reason He waits on us to do something about it. As I've realized all there is to do, I've also realized I don't really have what it takes to get things done, and here I'm reminded that I am small, God is big, and prayer is important.

I took some time to pray yesterday.

"Oh dang maybe I should get that definitions glossary done for class."

"I think I got an email on my phone."

"I should do some reading for my Literary Criticism class."

"What about running to the insurance office to sign that policy."

I had a thought every five minutes. It's going to take some time to turn my mindset around.

Finding the Line

I want to be honest with you, but because I care about you and what you think. I won't.

I'm trying to decide if that line means I love people enough that I don't want to disappoint them, or if I'm trying to maintain an image. I find myself in tension, I want to be completely honest with who I am, but I know that the words I say affect more than just my own life.

Derek Webb, previously a member of Sonic Flood, said the best thing that can happen to us is that all our sins are broadcast on the 5pm news. I'm thinking of leaking information and getting it over with.

I don't feel like I am hiding. I feel like I'm told to be quiet. The question is, is that God, me, or those around me saying that? The answer is important, and as a writer and musician the answer affects most of what I do.

I'm looking for feedback (either via the blog or facebook) on this one. I'm hoping for a bit of disagreement, I want to consider all aspects of this.

Thoughts?

Existential Verification.

The proof is in the pudding.

I follow Jesus. A real person, past and present, who claimed he was God in way clearly understandable to his Jewish audience. He then invited people to leave behind their personal ambitions, and at times their wealth, in order to listen to what he said about life and reality and God, and to tell others what he said.

So here I am 2000 or so years later. I believe him.

Why?

I did grow up in a Christian home, which means one of two things. 1) I just inherited my parents views (or at least some of them) which are constructs and superstitious malarky or 2) I learned something true from my parents, and others, that I have accepted as truth and have embraced.

Either way I have tried to form my life around those views, those things which I believe are true, and have looked at the world with the assumption that the words in the Bible are God's word to us, and that Jesus is who he says he is, God incarnate... many implications follow.

It has been several years since I have decided for myself, to follow Jesus, to believe him, to submit my life to him. What have been the results?

Following Jesus isn't about me (at least it's not supposed to be), it's about him, but if the Bible is true, and Jesus is really God, then the things he said should also be true right?

"I have come that you may have life, and life to the full..."

-Over the past few years I have lived in various states of wealth, friendship, comfort, and emotion. During that time, I can easily mark parts of my life where I was trying (and still often try) to get something I want: sex, money, people's attention, recognition.... During those times, whether short lived or an extended amount of time, even if I got what I wanted, it felt like the morning after one emotional beer too many, I had reached my goal, but it had failed to deliver lasting result, it had let me down.

-I went to Ireland a couple of years ago, it was fun, but at the same time miserable. I liked a girl who didn't like me back, though she was a very kind and good friend. It was fairly petty, I was pouting about the whole deal. In the context of life it was small and insignificant, but in the moment huge. We went to this Island in Scotland, I sat down on an empty beach and talked to God, then just sat and listened, thinking about the things he says in the Bible, thinking about who he asks me to be. All of the sudden my problem didn't matter anymore. All that mattered was that I shared life with Him. I felt like I was who I was supposed to be. Nothing in my circumstance changed, and I didn't learn to meditate and ignore my circumstance, I just sat there at rest, at peace even within them. I felt alive, I could feel every drop of water that hit my feet as the tide came up. This is just one of many times, in larger and smaller situations that have proved to me over and over again that the only lasting peace and life I have ever experienced have come in Jesus.

"Empty Religion Kills..." (my paraphrase.)

Jesus told the religious leaders of the day that they were like white washed tombs with dead men's bones inside. He pointed out that the whole system of worship was set up so that they would be led to relationship with God. If you do any kind of genuine study of the first 3/4 of the Bible (which many Christians largely ignore with the exception of Psalms, Proverbs, and 15 year old boys who giggle at the sexual references of Song of Solomon) you'll see that from the beginning it was about God having relationship with mankind.

-Growing up, and even now, I find structured religion (even Christian) largely frustrating, it feels heavy and stifling. Not because I want to go out and get smashed and Christians tell me not to, it is more because I would rather sit down and talk about life and God, and what he says rather than sit through another Bible study where no one says anything. I don't find a messy church, or messy people as an argument against the validity of what Jesus said, because Jesus (nor scripture) didn't lay out the church structure we have today, people did. I don't think God cares as much about the structure, for or against, so much as he cares about the beating hearts inside of it.

When I do religious things that are formalities, or organized events where I move through some religious motions (emphasis on my nonchalant nature) it drains me, it feels pointless and stupid.

People attending a church and saying it "didn't do anything for them" are backing up what Jesus said, if you are into religion, it's going to leave you empty and yield nothing but sporadic emotional responses to good music or some self inspiring message. When I gather with other followers of Jesus I want to hear, talk about, and honor Jesus, not here about an inspirational message from Tony Robbins. I don't like religion, I absolutely love relationship with Jesus.

These things are evidences of an assumption. And I'm sure that anyone could say things like, "Well you are just experiencing normal human reactions to religious experiences. Or maybe your set of assumptions have worked for you to help you cope with life." Maybe they would even say that of course I can get through life fine, it has been comparatively easy.

While I continue to experience, and talk to others who experience, that everything in scripture is applicable to life and everyday living, in North America, The Middle East, Central Africa, and Asia, that following Jesus is relavent across culture and time. Behind my assumptions are many more evidences that I could not express in several paragraphs (or several years of a blog), but in the end it has come down to faith, that Jesus has sought me out, and called me to follow him, which I have decided to do. A decision I have never regretted since.

Hello My Name is Jason, I am Addicted to Cynicism.

That title weak. Using an AA staple? Cliche'

That would be my response if I weren't the one who wrote it. Now that I think about it, that was my gut reaction. I tend to be critical.

Classes began at Grace College today. I am currently between classes. Getting ready for another series of skeptical thoughts, looking for the things I disagree with. It's really a depressing way to live. When you look at life with a slanted eye, you will find what you are looking for. In reality everything is tainted, people do say things incorrectly, they will contradict themselves, they will live out their humanity.

I don't want to be an ignorant optimist, but I'm weary of telling people in my imagination that they are wrong. It never really changes anything, and makes it hard to listen to unpolished music (including my own). It does however have its upsides. If I am critical of something, I don't have to involve myself with it. I can feel free to dismiss myself as responsible to interact with it, because it's incorrect. If someone's worldview is tainted, I can dismiss it entirely. If someone is a little 'off', then everything they say is by default incorrect. It really simplifies life. Free's you from committing to anything substantial.

So here's to cynicism. May it die a horrible death.

Conflict is Like Shrapnel

I'm dealing with a bit of conflict right now. Two people that I get along with, are increasingly frustrated with each other. So I thought I would share the things I've learned about conflict.

People often forget why they started fighting. In this case I think the presence of conflict has only created more conflict. They have fought so they fight again. For new reasons for sure, but I have had similar disagreements with each of them and found things going well. Which brings me to my next point.

There must be a foundation of trust before rebuke can be given. I'm sure there are exceptions for this, but I believe that actual trust (not just proclaimed) must be present before deep conflict can be resolved. I had a friend that I fought with for several months in high school, we eventually resolved the conflict, but only because we put up with each other for those several months. We didn't walk away. If the priority is to remain in relationship until the situation is resolved, each side will learn to trust that the other side is not leaving, and not simply trying to get away from the other. At this point vulnerability and reconciliation can begin.

Jesus said that people will know we are his followers by our love for each other, not by our doctrinal purity and 'rightness.' I'm not saying that truth doesn't matter. Jesus is God, and the fact that he died and rose again and is still alive and active is foundational to my faith. But I don't have to change my views, or compromise my faith in order to love someone, and to offer them the hand of friendship. Jesus said that it's easy to love people we agree with and get along with, being a little crazier than that he tells us to love people who drive us batty. My impulses to be deemed 'correct' fade the more my confidence is in Jesus. I know what I believe, I feel at peace with my maker, and he asks me to love my enemies (even doctrinal enemies). I don't need someone I don't like to validate my beliefs. The world has seen plenty of zeal for doctrine by christians, why don't we match it with our zeal for loving others.

The end of conflict almost always ends with each side humbling themselves in some way. Notice I said humbling themselves. We are not God, we cannot humble others in their heart, we can only beat them into submission. As evidenced by every oppressed minority in history, this only builds resentment and hatred, not resolution of conflict. Jesus said "as much as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone." This requires inward change of self, or rather allowing God to change us and trusting him to change others. As long as our talk is about what the other person should be doing, or how they have hurt you, resolution will not be reached. There is a place for venting, but once we let it out we leave it there for the one who sees it all clearly and knows what to do. (Romans 12:19)

Finally, be careful what you say to others about those you are in conflict with. There are dozens of people who I look at differently because of things that people have said about them. I'm sure I have done the same. It is easy to attack people when they aren't present to defend themselves. Just a sentence or two can damage trust between others. Christians really like this. If they aren't present we can frame things in a way that seem spiritual and justified, and we don't come across as mean or spiteful because we qualify it with things like "they are a really nice person, but they just need to _______." There are times to vent frustrations and ask for advice, but be careful with your motives and exactly how much information you need to share. When in doubt keep your mouth shut.

I want to say that all of the thoughts and warnings above are things I continually stumble through. This is as much of a word to me as it is to those around me. How I have handled conflict has been despicable, especially when I claim to follow Jesus, who said "You shall love the Lord your God.. and you shall love your neighbor as yourself. All of the Law and the prophets is summed up in this."

Why Not Sinning Is Not the Point

I've been sick. Sitting on a couch in Oregon when I could be hiking, going to the beach, or just walking around for that matter. Instead I've sat around watching countless hours of the History Channel.

My life hasn't been all that sinful lately in the ways it usually is. I've been too tired and incapacitated.

Incapacitated is a good word.

I was talking to a friend who is going through a lot right now. His sin is weighing on him. Sometimes it gets overwhelming. Sometimes we wonder whether he can ever beat it or not. Sometimes I think that beating it isn't the point.

My friend and I have been in the same place lately. Distant from God. Whether it was by running away or just getting distracted, it has the same result.

I think there are a lot of people who have decided to follow Jesus that are pretty focused on not doing the sinful stuff. I appreciate the passion, but I think a lot of people think of Christians as people who are trying not to do certain things as opposed to being people who are in love with Jesus. There's a fundamental difference.

There are a lot of polite people who are pretty moral. God has worked his character into everyone, so it doesn't surprise me much. But Jesus asks people to follow him, have relationship with him. If God wanted polite, moral people, he would have sent more rules, not his Son.

Why I Chose to Hike the Andes Mountains

I'm getting married this weekend. Still not sure what to think of it. Sometimes I'm excited, other times I'm scared. A lot of times I'm just weirded out.

Usually I'm a visionary guy. I like to plan, rearrange future events in my mind over and over till they fit just right, then throw some gas and a match on the whole thing and start over again. I'm learning that my ability to do this relies largely on a similar event I can use as a reference. I've not yet had sex, I've never had to live with one person day after day (other than family) for more than a months time, I've never had to continually share a bed with someone, and I've never felt the pressure of someone else's well being so closely connected to my decisions. As a result, everything after Saturday 7pm (when the wedding starts) is a black abyss that my mind cannot comprehend.

I suppose I've been given glimpses by other married people.

"Oh boy, you sure you want to do this?"

"Hey, marriage is great!"

"Marriage is an institution, I would rather not be institutionalized."

"After the first night on our honeymoon I remember thinking. I'm hungry."

My landlord is quite experienced at marriage, he has had five. He said congratulations (sort of) and asked if my air conditioning still worked fine.

I have this vague idea that the first couple of weeks will be great, then at some point someone will get cabin fever and mutiny. Eventually our selfishness will need to be tried and hanged, then it will start all over again.

I had a friend say that marriage will show you just how selfish you are... really fast.

I'm sure he's right. I know that's not why God made up the idea of marriage, he did after all make us as not so selfish people, but I bet he likes it when we more deeply realize, "wow, I cause problems when I try to get my own way."

I'm looking forward to marriage. Sort of in the way that I looked forward to hiking the Andes in Bolivia. At first there was this sense of awe and infatuation that one gets when he tells people that he will be hiking the Andes mountains. As you begin there is this sense of accomplishment that yes you will be hiking the Andes mountains. Three hours into the ordeal you say to yourself, why did I ever want to hike the Andes mountains? Then you step over a ridge, see a mountain lake, run to it, sit on the rocks as the sun sets over the Andes mountains and think, this is why I hiked the Andes mountains. Had I sat at my house in Cochabamba, I would not have endured pain, nor would I have enjoyed one of the greatest memories of my life.

So here's my prediction. Lots of selfishness and difficulties as I try to live with another messy human being, highlighted by some of the greatest joys with the deepest human relationship I'll ever have. Maybe some day we'll go hike the Andes mountains together.

I Love You Courtney, I'm looking forward to sharing the rest of my life with you!

A Snapshot

The limitations of pictures depress me. Someone will come back from a trip to Tibet, show you a picture of Everest, then expect you to be overwhelmed with the immensity of their 4x6 piece of paper with ink on it. If this really worked, no one would need to go vacation in Tibet anymore. I am equally depressed when I look at pictures from my past, that no longer have their emotional power. The memories have faded, so the picture is now just an image.

I feel frustrated trying to relay my relationship with God to others. I want them to understand how awesome the snapshot I'm showing them is. "Isn't Jesus so cool!" Sorry, cool is a trite way to describe the most significant part of my existence.

"Yea, Jason. That's a nice picture. Very neat."

Sometimes when people think the picture is insignificant, that means the thing itself is too.

Pictures do have the ability to peak peoples interest. Like when I drove through Nebraska. I had seen pictures of Chimney Rock and Scotts bluff. They didn't seem all that exciting, but I was within thirty minutes anyway, why not check them out? The pictures weren't powerful, but sitting there, looking across Scotts bluff, the rest of the plain standing in contrast to the rocks, it was surreal. I definitely want to go back. The picture gave me a push to go see what I was already close to.

I'm grateful that following Jesus isn't about my perfection. for reasons I won't say, I am quite aware of my potential to be a disgusting person. I feel like one of those pictures where someone stuck their thumb halfway over the lens.

If my relationship with God were a picture, I would hope it looks something like a child stained in mud, being hugged by his father unashamedly.

In Control?

I'm listening to the rain. It's drawing my mind back to days where I actually took time to stop and listen to it.

Once in Virginia I was leaned up against a white wooden fence watching a thunderhead press up against the Blue Ridge Mountains. It was July 3rd. I just sat there, gazing at the dark cloud lined in a thin grayish white steam, ignoring one of the nursing home resident's pleas for me to come back inside.

As I stood there, I checking to make sure I was shorter than and far enough from the surrounding trees to avoid being struck, looking back just in time to see a lightning bolt cut a jagged path. I watched it connect with a grove of trees. There was a strange anticipating silence. Then, faintly, I heard the sound of a breaking branch, followed by one of the the loudest waves of sound and emotion I had felt in a long time. My body moved from a sense of serene calm to immense fear as the wall hit me.

Aside from the thought that I might mess my pants, I felt small.

In a moment this lightning strike changed my perspective on existence and the universe. Whatever I planned to do could straightway be checked by some random act of nature's amoral violence.

I have some friends who lost their mother this way. She was walking back to the house with a trash can when on a clear day. Her life ended in a flash. This woman had cooked me a meal two months prior.

We tend to think we control our circumstance, like we have things figured out. Even if we feel limited, we at least feel in control of our immediate surroundings. It turns out even our mastery of taking out the trash is subject to something frighteningly more powerful than we are.