The Motivation for Change

My love for God doesn't come out of ecstatic feelings, though He does sometimes enhance the joys of life, nor because He has made life a breeze, though I repeatedly see storms settle when I have nothing left to give. The sense of peace, the thought in the back of my mind that makes me want to smile, the haunting presence that makes me continue wrestling toward God is the fact that He has forgiven me, knows every thing I have done and will do, understands all the ways I have and will fail, and yet loves me and has committed himself toward making me into something beautiful, even if it means temporary pain.

Giving Quality Time

Tomorrow classes begin. Spanish II, Hemingway and Faulkner, Intro to Fiction, and Shakespeare. Though I'm not overly excited about Shakespeare, I'm not dreading any classes this semester. I've already read four of the required reading for the courses in the past couple of months, a healthy diet of Hemingway, Faulkner, Mary Shelley, and Steinbeck, so I'm feeling quite prepared for what lies ahead.

In the past month I've been fairly productive and creative. Wrote a few mediocre posts, wrote a couple of songs, made some advances in my musical knowledge. The past month has been somewhat of a rediscovery of past creative energy that was eaten alive by mounds of school projects, reading assignments, and five articles for the school newspaper (only one of which I was happy with).

It is quite true that there are only so many hours in a day, and only so much we can do. Our time and resources are finite. Any thoughts we have of absolute freedom in choice are a delusion.

I live in North America, and though there are many exceptions I've recognized that my cultural tendency is to do anything and everything I can. No is not a part of my vocabulary. It is even more difficult when you consider the need around you. Kids need mentors, people need friends, the Red Cross needs blood donors, the House Rabbit Society of San Diego needs people to clean rabbits.... so much to do, so little time.

Saying no has been difficult for me, there is a lot of spiritualized guilt that goes along with it. "Why wouldn't you get involved with this great cause? It's for Jesus." The sad thing is that guilt tends to come from my own head. I don't want to let people down, I don't want to seem like I don't care about the rabbits of San Diego.

Jesus did talk about giving sacrificially, and I'm not one to pretend I should make my life as comfortable and care free as possible, but there comes a time that when we give so much to so many different things, in the end we don't give significantly to anything. I cannot connect meaningfully with all 700 people at my church, put quality practice in on the guitar, make dinner for myself and my wife, change the oil on the car, build meaningful relationships in my life, sit with a friend who is going through difficulty, play guitar on worship team, go to school, give guitar lessons, and take time to connect deeply with God, on a weekly basis.

So this is one of my goals for the year, and for my life. Give meaningful and deep attention to a select few items and people, because frankly I'm tired of constantly giving my wife, God and everyone else leftovers. I recognize that this means saying no a lot more than saying yes, which makes me look like a bum,

The Next Step

I am a big believer that we should focus on today, and accept what today brings. Even something as wonderful as a bowl of Oregon clam chowder can be frowned at when what you were really hoping for was Maine lobster. Exalting our hopes and expectations of what tomorrow should bring can cause us to miss some great things in the here and now.

On the other hand, setting out to accomplish a task that can't be completed in one day tends to make each day significant in a bigger process. I didn't become the guitar player I am today by hoping someday I would, and I probably won't become the guitar player I want to be by hoping that I will. The things I have accomplished today are the sum of a thousand days working toward it.

There is a professor I had last semester that I honestly didn't like much, but that doesn't mean he's always wrong. There was very little I took away from the class but one good thing was this, When God makes a squash, He takes 8 weeks. When he makes an oak He takes a hundred years.

There is a passage in Psalms that says that those established in God's way of doing things will be like a tree planted by rivers of water. I think everyone wants to be a big oak, whether that's in some skill, economic status, social standing, relationship, or faith, but we try to do all these little things to shortcut the process.

Churches are a great example of quick and easy routes. In the past four years I've probably heard a pitch for at least twenty different methods of growth, lasting change, and ways to 'do church'. They all seem novel, and exciting, and make a lot of promises, but they last about as long as a Twinkie in my hands.

Sometimes people I trust and respect allow me to cut them open and count their rings as I listen to them talk about how each one was formed. During conversations like that I try to figure out how to replicate that for others, maybe with a five week series, then I realize that the solid trunk I am examining was fifty years in the making and travelled through long seasons of forest fires, drought, floods, and watching their neighbor get chewed down by a beaver. You can't replicate something like that in five 45 minute sessions. And yet we try.

Accomplishing long term goals are difficult in our culture, because we're so used to things that get done at the speed of light. Maybe to readjust yourself, go out into the forest and find a little tree next to a big one and stare at it for a 24 hour period and see how much it grows. Then think about the fact that in fifty years that little tree will be the size of the one that stands next to it now.

Something Other Gives Something Meaning

I'm reading through William Faulkner's The Sound and the Fury. Aside from the fact that it is one of the most difficult books I've read, it's a great look into human nature.

Faulkner used a lot of introspective stream of consciousness in his narrating characters, including all of their flashbacks as they move within a certain point in time. After a while I realized that all of the flashbacks involved the relationships and power struggles between the characters. This isn't really that profound, it's rather fundamental to all great stories, or rather any story, but the reality is that a great story includes more than just a protagonist. It is the other characters in the story, even flat characters like a bank teller that wears too much perfume, that provide a context for the protagonist to display his own character, personality, and even flaws. A good story is about so much more than the protagonists.

Really our own stories follow this trend, the more our stories are exclusively about ourselves, and involve only ourselves, the less depth and meaning our stories will have. Think The Bachelor, or Jersey Shore. As our lives become increasingly isolated or self-consumed, they will become increasingly shallow.

Think about the Tom Hanks movie Castaway. What if our shipwrecked friend had simply been on the island his whole life, and it was a story about how he chopped down trees and made fire and bashed his teeth out with ice skates.... The tension in the movie was the looming question... "Will he get back together with Kelley." Prior to his exile Chuck (Tom Hanks) puts off marriage due to a busy career. It takes him just a few days alone to realize he desperately needs other people, anything outside himself, much more than he needs his personal goals. The substitute is of course the famous Wilson "Nooooo Wilson. Come baaaccckkk!"

I think the most interesting people I know are those whose lives are about others, even their profession and personal goals seem to be to directly or indirectly help others in some way. In the end, these people also seem to be the happiest. I know that as a writer my highest moments are when my words and thoughts help someone else in a significant way, and most struggles that I have within writing revolve around whether or not my words reach anyone.

So the question is, is the story you are trying to write about something more than yourself?