Continuing to Process

Excuse the longevity. I don't blame you if you don't bother reading. This is just my way of working through everything that happened.

Continued from Beginning to process..

Corvallis ICU seemed safer. Dad laid there watching tv with some wires strapped to his chest that zapped him every time his heart rate dropped below 50 bpm. It was hard to see my dad with wires hooked to him; but those wires offered comfort.

I settled into what would become quite familiar surroundings. I spent more time in hospital waiting rooms this weekend than I have probably spent in the rest of my life combined.

Somewhere during the middle of the day they put in a temporary pacemaker. Seriously why does my dad need a pacemaker, he's 45 for crying out loud. I liked the word temporary. I also liked that my dad didn't have to feel it when he got shocked

Nothing much else happened the rest of the day. Some family came. It was a nice gesture; but I learned that unless you are really really close to someone it's more annoying than anything to have people there. They try to let you know they understand and explain what God is doing, you know with all the same responses you get about God making things into something good and using things to make us stronger. I know it's all true, I thought about it all at various times so it was more annoying than anything to hear people say it like it was this magic word that would bring a jubilant peace to the wavy seas. Ha. I'll talk about this more later in a happier tone. I'm learning alot about suffering and hope.

Somewhere during the day I decided to stay the night. I stretched out on the carpet of the waiting room. You'd think they would put cots in there for people. I didn't really expect to sleep; just pretend to, so people wouldn't talk to me. I read a bit of Ernest Hemingways A Farewell to Arms then turned off the lights.

Sometime in the night an elderly woman sat down in the other part of the room. Soon after a doctor came in. There's certain conversations you hear that seem sacred, like you don't deserve or shouldn't hear them. Such conversations would include engagement proposals, last words of the dying, etc. This was one of those. "Is my husband going to die?" It turns out the guy had pneumonia, the doctors response was uncertain.

I have never had to hear a conversation like that before. I wondered not if but when I would have to hear a conversation like that again, or be a part of one. Five minutes, five years, fifty years? I asked God alot of questions while I listened to them talk. He didn't give any answers. Sometime later I woke up to a janitor giving the room a morning clean. Lucky for him I had already cleaned the room like five times.

This morning the test results came back. All good to go. Dad would go under the knife to get a permenant pacemaker. I went and said good morning to Dad We talked about the Jamaican dude that broke the 100m world record and watched a news report on the cow pie throwing world championships.

9 AM. Dad is rolled into the OR. I walked up and down the hall thinking who knows what. A few of you got some text messages. I tried to distract myself with thoughts of other unresolved stress issues going on. How about that one, trying to think of stressful things in order to get the mind off of even more stressful things. In what seemed like a one instantaneous moment, Dad got rolled out of OR, taken to his room, we left for the house, and I took a nap.

Jess, Jordan, and I (along with my nephew Isaiah) went in this afternoon to visit dad. We all watched Isaiah jump around the room, trying to find and push every button possible. Not much to talk about, we left after an hour or so.

Things seem calm now. It's like when you have a migrane and you don't remember what it was like to ever not have a migrane. Once the migrane is gone you can't even imagine what it was like to ever have one.

Beginning to Processing What Shouldn't Happen

It started with a sound. Kind of like someone slipping and falling sort of thud... no that's not it. Maybe more like a sturdy shelf, with nothing on it, falling over. Another sound, mom yelling for dad. Not like an urgent yell. It was more like most the yells accross the house when we are to lazy to walk to the other side. Hmm maybe dad did slip in the shower, ah he's fine. No reply, another yell from mom followed by a knock... no reply. Some swimmer is finishing the 200m medly on tv, making what's happening in the back somewhat faint mumbles echoed through the bathroom. A seeming eternity of silence passes as I wait paralyzed for what I know is coming... I never want to hear mom yell for her sons like that again. Jordan heard that yell. Adrenaline took over my heart faded off to somewhere, I'm not sure it has come back yet. I didn't touch him I just saw him laying there in the bathtub motionless, unconcious. I'm not supposed to see my dad lying unconcious in the bathtub. I'm not supposed to wonder if my Father is dead.



About a million things went through my head, thankfully thoughts number two and three were "don't move him in case of a broken neck" "Call 911." Number one wasn't much of a though, more of a reaction that was one of those screams that comes out as a faltering panic voiced "dad wake up" I spit out information to dispatch. Somewhere inbetween the sprint to the kitchen phone and the confused conversation back to the bathroom dad woke up. Relief... sort of. I'm not supposed to see red and blue lights shooting through the windows of my childhood home.



The EMT's checked him out, there was nothing that they could find.... nothing that they could find. He went into the hospital. There was nothing that they could find, nothing that they could find. I'm not supposed to see my dad hooked up to monitors in the ER.



On the way home Dad passed out again. He's stubborn, he told mom to take him home.

I woke up the next morning to mom talking about Dad passing out again in the bed. I laid there begging myself to fall asleep. This isn't happening, my dad is fine. I gave myself a headache trying too hard. I took a shower and put on the clothes I shouldn't have had to wear for the next 24 hours.

Mom called from Dad's checkup. He passed out again, this time with ceasures. I told Jordan I was driving, I had to or else I would go crazy. He graciously greased my palm with the keys. I tried thinking of driving laws I could break and get away with due to the situation. I tried to think about what it might be that was causing Jordan's breaks to shudder; anything other than what shouldn't be happening and was.

Mom was in the emergency room halfway through a conversation, saying something about his heart. Somewhere in the same sentence as heart I heard the word stopped. So did mine. She didn't seem panicked so I assumed his heart started beating again. So did mine.

I got to see dad, he was concious but on some medication to keep his heart going that made him drowsy. My dad's heart shouldn't stop. It's supposed to work fine.

Albany doesn't have a cardiologist so they decided to take him to Corvallis. Someone said something about ICU. My dad shouldn't have to go to ICU.

I'm tired. I slept in the waiting room last night. Slept is a relative term. I shouldn't have to sleep in waiting rooms. I'm gonna take a nap. Hopefully I'll get the rest of this out in the next day or so. Thank you everyone who prayed. And thank you for everyone who let me update them and attempted to offer meaningful words. The words were meaningful, but the fact that you were there to give me a source of distraction was immensly more precious.