I feel like my gut has been hit with a sledge hammer. There has been a shadow in the back of my mind that something may be drastically wrong. I'm pretty sure now, something is. The weight of the blow has caused a turmoil in who I am and what I do. Massive sections of what I view as a complete life (or at least have lived like) are crumbling. To continue as things are would be to continue with a continual shadow haunting me; that something is drastically wrong.

In the world there is immense hurt, immense suffering, immense need. The extent of my response to that hurt, suffering, and need, has been to dip my toes in it (and to be proud of my accomplishments) When I feel like I've reached my comfortable limit, or maybe even stretched myself just a bit just to ease my conscience, I retreat from the darkness. I have hope, I have life, I have healing, and for crying out loud I have resources! I spend them all on myself. I am marginalized from the hurting of the world. I keep myself in a circle of happy middle class friends. I keep my eyes from seeing the pain. If my heart really saw the pain of the impoverished I would have to respond. That would be too difficult.

I am between a rock and a hard place. I see that something is drastically wrong. I see that the terminology of taking up our cross implies something difficult and painful. The price I have paid for my faith is minimal, the amount I have labored with difficulty is miniscule. I long for a kingdom that counts for something; but I'm not sure where to find the courage to see it come. I read scripture and see the glory and immensity of the gospel; it puts a weight on my soul as I reflect only a tiny trickle of it's glory. To ignore my feelings would be to numb myself to reality, to follow them would cost me (maybe for the first time in my life).

I know I am loved by my Father. He continues to pour that love out on all his children. In fact even now in the face of my drastic apathy His love and grace is even more drastic. His words to me are gentle and sure; but it is His love burns in me and convicts. His compassion cries out for the poor, the destitute, the down and outs of society, the unlovable, the worthless. Pretty much everyone I don't see much of in my life. I am repulsed by my own inaction in light of his love for myself and for them.

I have tried to turn God into something entirely too safe. I have turned him into a God that challenges me enough to make life somewhat exciting, without infringing on the entirety of my life. I love C.S. Lewis' portrayal of God "He is by no means a safe God, but He is very good." What does it mean if Jesus said it will be costly to follow him and it hasn't really cost me anything? I have asked for Joy and peace without difficulty and suffering. The extent of my persecution has been a muffled form of what pretty much everyone in the world goes through in their lives.

A friend said "maybe you should stop talking about doing things and do them."

Joe, if you're reading this, I see now why you stopped writing.