Some Day I'll Stop Blaming the Church.

It's really easy to blame generic entities for my problems. McDonald's made me fat, those politicians are responsible for screwing up our economy, and germain to today's topic, the mainstream evangelical church is ruining everything.

I like to use the last one quite a bit. For example I could say that the church is terrible at relating to the poor, homosexuals, Democrats, and anyone else the deem outside of orthodoxy, faith, or comfort zone. For a few seconds I feel like I'm actually saying something, fighting the corrupt institution, setting people free from religious chains.

I don't want to use generalizations anymore, please call me out if I do. I'll try to be more specific from now on.

At some point I would like to be free from the angst I have against the religious culture I have experienced in my lifetime, as well as the one I have created in my own life, the second issue is they key to solving the first.

By the way I should point out that the religious culture I grew up in is full of wonderful people who care a lot about their faith and serving others. They have encouraged me to seek God, and in large part I have them to thank for introducing me to Jesus.

My default modus operandi is the opposite of the motivation that Jesus calls me to. Essentially I resort to insecurity, shame, people pleasing, and self serving in most situations. As a result I want to be validated by people around me that I see as somehow pious or passionate about faith (usually in external forms), and I want to fit in and be accepted by the culture I grew up in (namely North American Evangelical church).

As I look to be validated by a group that shares my faith in following Jesus, but chooses to express that in sometimes very different ways than I do I have two options: 1) stop trying to be validated by them through mimicry; 2) change them so they live like me. My cynicism and angst bring me to the conclusion that I usually do the first.

Jesus didn't feel the need to be validated by anyone but the Father, no matter what setting He was in. He said some pretty harsh things regarding the religious system of the time, but He had the right, seeing that He had originally put the Jewish system of worship in place. Jesus didn't cause a fuss because He felt insecure about Himself. Jesus seemed comfortable in His own shoes.

I probably won't stop raising questions I have about faith, but anything flowing from my own insecurities aren't helpful, they'll just degrade to urgent thoughts flowing out of insecurities. I'm sure I will continue at times to resort to insecurity and angst as a motivation but by the miracle of God's interaction with His people I think I'm heading in the right direction, this is after all a journey.