Shame Looks Like Polite Behavior

I've been pulled over nine times, for lots of reasons. I've only received two tickets, both of those for speeding. The first ticket was twenty days after I got my license, as I was driving to basketball practice. I was running late, and my alarm that morning was literally a half dead chicken being chewed on by our dog outside the window. I was distracted, and frustrated, and running late for JV basketball practice. In high school you don't show up late for practice, it hurts your chances of getting on the varsity team later, and ultimately getting a girlfriend. I was speeding, I got a ticket.

When you've been pulled over that many times with so few tickets to show for it, you start to think of cops differently. You'd think I would be fearless and feel invincible. It's quite the opposite actually. I could be staring at my speedometer, going 55, hands on 10 and 2, and I'll feel a fear come over me when a cop drives by. I just know he's going to get me for something. He and all his cop friends from across the country are having a discussion over donuts every morning about how they regretted letting me off all those times, and how they are going to get me one of these days.

Shame feels like that, this looming feeling that I'm going to get it someday, somehow someone will see that time.... even now I am thinking carefully about what sorts of words I use so I don't tip you off as to what I'm talking about. So here's where I check my speedometer, and put my hands on ten and two so you're none the wiser.

Some Day I'll Stop Blaming the Church.

It's really easy to blame generic entities for my problems. McDonald's made me fat, those politicians are responsible for screwing up our economy, and germain to today's topic, the mainstream evangelical church is ruining everything.

I like to use the last one quite a bit. For example I could say that the church is terrible at relating to the poor, homosexuals, Democrats, and anyone else the deem outside of orthodoxy, faith, or comfort zone. For a few seconds I feel like I'm actually saying something, fighting the corrupt institution, setting people free from religious chains.

I don't want to use generalizations anymore, please call me out if I do. I'll try to be more specific from now on.

At some point I would like to be free from the angst I have against the religious culture I have experienced in my lifetime, as well as the one I have created in my own life, the second issue is they key to solving the first.

By the way I should point out that the religious culture I grew up in is full of wonderful people who care a lot about their faith and serving others. They have encouraged me to seek God, and in large part I have them to thank for introducing me to Jesus.

My default modus operandi is the opposite of the motivation that Jesus calls me to. Essentially I resort to insecurity, shame, people pleasing, and self serving in most situations. As a result I want to be validated by people around me that I see as somehow pious or passionate about faith (usually in external forms), and I want to fit in and be accepted by the culture I grew up in (namely North American Evangelical church).

As I look to be validated by a group that shares my faith in following Jesus, but chooses to express that in sometimes very different ways than I do I have two options: 1) stop trying to be validated by them through mimicry; 2) change them so they live like me. My cynicism and angst bring me to the conclusion that I usually do the first.

Jesus didn't feel the need to be validated by anyone but the Father, no matter what setting He was in. He said some pretty harsh things regarding the religious system of the time, but He had the right, seeing that He had originally put the Jewish system of worship in place. Jesus didn't cause a fuss because He felt insecure about Himself. Jesus seemed comfortable in His own shoes.

I probably won't stop raising questions I have about faith, but anything flowing from my own insecurities aren't helpful, they'll just degrade to urgent thoughts flowing out of insecurities. I'm sure I will continue at times to resort to insecurity and angst as a motivation but by the miracle of God's interaction with His people I think I'm heading in the right direction, this is after all a journey.

Why Kindness Matters

If you are a Jerk, I'm more likely to think you are also an idiot.

It doesn't really matter if you are right or not. You might have arguments that would convince Hannibal Lecter to go Vegan. But if you give off that vibe that you are far superior to those around you, and that no one else has anything worthwhile to say, I probably won't feel like listening.

All the knowledge in the world is useless if it cannot be communicated effectively and cordially.

Thank you for letting me vent.

Too Much to Do On My Own

Prayer is really important. It's not just a little thing we should do before meals, or a meditation tool we use to align our inner self; it is talking with God. It's something I don't do enough.

I've been praying more lately (lately meaning yesterday), not just the little talk to God here and there thing, but setting aside a chunk of time to pray about a lot of different things. It's a bit humbling. I'm starting to realize I didn't think prayer was that important before. In my head I had thoughts like, "Oh yes more prayer is better," but I saw it as something that had more to do with relationship than anything else. I realized this week that there is a lot in my life and the lives of those around me that God wants to change, and for whatever reason He waits on us to do something about it. As I've realized all there is to do, I've also realized I don't really have what it takes to get things done, and here I'm reminded that I am small, God is big, and prayer is important.

I took some time to pray yesterday.

"Oh dang maybe I should get that definitions glossary done for class."

"I think I got an email on my phone."

"I should do some reading for my Literary Criticism class."

"What about running to the insurance office to sign that policy."

I had a thought every five minutes. It's going to take some time to turn my mindset around.

Finding the Line

I want to be honest with you, but because I care about you and what you think. I won't.

I'm trying to decide if that line means I love people enough that I don't want to disappoint them, or if I'm trying to maintain an image. I find myself in tension, I want to be completely honest with who I am, but I know that the words I say affect more than just my own life.

Derek Webb, previously a member of Sonic Flood, said the best thing that can happen to us is that all our sins are broadcast on the 5pm news. I'm thinking of leaking information and getting it over with.

I don't feel like I am hiding. I feel like I'm told to be quiet. The question is, is that God, me, or those around me saying that? The answer is important, and as a writer and musician the answer affects most of what I do.

I'm looking for feedback (either via the blog or facebook) on this one. I'm hoping for a bit of disagreement, I want to consider all aspects of this.

Thoughts?