Understood.

I feel quite misunderstood... most of the time. Even if people get my point, they miss my heart. It's mostly my fault really. I'm not very good at letting my heart show. I'm not sure why. I'm just not; though I suppose I've gotten better over time. There have been certain proverbial leaps I've taken at times where my heart tears the leash out of my hands and sprints across the park of life, leaving it's droppings of love here and there; but those times usually last for a couple days and are followed by a huge downturn in which I crash like a fourth grader on a sugar high. I am a super social person, but I can be around people all day and still feel lonely.

Much of the time I have something that my heart wants to say; but for sake of not knowing how the heck to say it without making people question whether I should be on some sort of meds, I usually just keep those things quiet.

I don't have to keep anything quiet with God. I couldn't -even if I wanted to. He knows it. I was talking to God the other day and was asking him if it makes any difference (besides helping me concentrate) if I speak verbally or just think things. I tried jumping back and forth multiple times in a sentence stopping the talking but continuing the thought without pausing. It was both comforting and unnerving thinking that I couldn't get away from Him.

I remember wishing as a child that someone would understand me. I'm not sure if I knew God did at that point. Probably not. I wanted someone to know how I felt about pretty much everything without risking them tearing me apart or exposing me in some way. When I figured out the whole God understanding me thing it was scary at first, then relieving because I realized He had been keeping His eye on things for a number of years prior and never told my friends how strange I was. Quite a comforting conclusion.

Goshen is starting to scare me. People are getting closer to my heart. I'm wondering what they will do when they find the man behind the curtain controlling the talking head. I think I'm both anticipating and dreading the day it arrives. I'm not saying I'm fake, I'm just bad at being understood, that can look like fake sometimes. If I could just flip a switch and be understood I would; but I can't. If I ever decided to stay... ... ...it would probably be the undoing of my heart cage.

Psalm 139 Would be a fitting read at this point.