I feel like my gut has been hit with a sledge hammer. There has been a shadow in the back of my mind that something may be drastically wrong. I'm pretty sure now, something is. The weight of the blow has caused a turmoil in who I am and what I do. Massive sections of what I view as a complete life (or at least have lived like) are crumbling. To continue as things are would be to continue with a continual shadow haunting me; that something is drastically wrong.

In the world there is immense hurt, immense suffering, immense need. The extent of my response to that hurt, suffering, and need, has been to dip my toes in it (and to be proud of my accomplishments) When I feel like I've reached my comfortable limit, or maybe even stretched myself just a bit just to ease my conscience, I retreat from the darkness. I have hope, I have life, I have healing, and for crying out loud I have resources! I spend them all on myself. I am marginalized from the hurting of the world. I keep myself in a circle of happy middle class friends. I keep my eyes from seeing the pain. If my heart really saw the pain of the impoverished I would have to respond. That would be too difficult.

I am between a rock and a hard place. I see that something is drastically wrong. I see that the terminology of taking up our cross implies something difficult and painful. The price I have paid for my faith is minimal, the amount I have labored with difficulty is miniscule. I long for a kingdom that counts for something; but I'm not sure where to find the courage to see it come. I read scripture and see the glory and immensity of the gospel; it puts a weight on my soul as I reflect only a tiny trickle of it's glory. To ignore my feelings would be to numb myself to reality, to follow them would cost me (maybe for the first time in my life).

I know I am loved by my Father. He continues to pour that love out on all his children. In fact even now in the face of my drastic apathy His love and grace is even more drastic. His words to me are gentle and sure; but it is His love burns in me and convicts. His compassion cries out for the poor, the destitute, the down and outs of society, the unlovable, the worthless. Pretty much everyone I don't see much of in my life. I am repulsed by my own inaction in light of his love for myself and for them.

I have tried to turn God into something entirely too safe. I have turned him into a God that challenges me enough to make life somewhat exciting, without infringing on the entirety of my life. I love C.S. Lewis' portrayal of God "He is by no means a safe God, but He is very good." What does it mean if Jesus said it will be costly to follow him and it hasn't really cost me anything? I have asked for Joy and peace without difficulty and suffering. The extent of my persecution has been a muffled form of what pretty much everyone in the world goes through in their lives.

A friend said "maybe you should stop talking about doing things and do them."

Joe, if you're reading this, I see now why you stopped writing.

Some of my Favorites.

Today is just about laughs. Here is a tidbit that involves one of my favorite writers and one of my favorite Bible stories.

C.S. Lewis and his friend Charles Williams once toyed with the idea of writing a book telling various Bible stories from the point of view of the animals mentioned in them.

For instance, with regard to this story they imagined two bears ambling through the woods having a philosophical debate about the existence and character of God. After the unexpected meal of the naughty boys, the bears would walk back into the woods together agreeing at last that yes, God does exist and yes, he is good.

Finding What I'm not Looking For.

Colossians 3:1-3

So if you're serious about living this new resurrection life with Christ, act like it. Pursue the things over which Christ presides. Don't shuffle along, eyes to the ground, absorbed with the things right in front of you. Look up, and be alert to what is going on around Christ—that's where the action is. See things from his perspective.

It seems sometimes -much of the time- that ministry happens when we aren't even looking for it.

The last few days have been rather ordinary and yet complete. I have found myself stopping continually and focusing on the moment. Each moment has not simply been a moment where I need God to get through it; each moment has been in itself opportunity to connect with the creator, a moment to spend with Him, a moment in itself equally as important as any other.

Yesterday I was blessed to be used in one of the most meaningful ministry opportunities I have ever experienced. After lunch I took off from work and was going to run some errands when I received a phone call. Long story short, I had the opportunity to help a son open up his heart to his father. I was blessed to see a son forgive his father, tell him he loved him, and give him a hug. I feel ridiculously blessed to be a part of what my Father is doing.

Funny thing is this blessing came when I really wasn't looking for it, just as with the seeming explosion of ministry opportunities that have happened in the past three months. I have tried to make myself preoccupied with God, obsessed with connecting with Him. Even at the expense of 'ministry' I just want to commune with Him. I have given up trying to find what the heck God wants me to do and have just tried to find God. The result, I finally am learning to contently continually commune with Him; and I have found more ministry than I have ever experienced at any other period of time.

I pray that I won't start to look at this as a 'method for ministry.' The point of my existence is not to 'do ministry' it is to know and follow Jesus wherever He goes, it is to be in communion with God. Out of this flows peace, joy, compassion, love, righteousness.... and ministry. When we walk with Him He points out things that He sees and tells us how He feels about it, it is then that we can respond to God's heart and be genuine kingdom workers.

Out of sync... once again.

The fulfillment of our existence is communion with our Creator. All of life flows out of this Father-child relationship. How easily children forget.

Relationship with the Father is difficult. It is hard to chase after a transcendent God. Heck, it's hard enough building relationship with human beings that we can see. How much more difficult is talking to an invisible beyond us yet with us God who often seems eerily silent? Sometimes I feel like Pharisaical rules would be much easier. I guess that's why it's so easy to fall into legalism.

Relationship takes work. I continue to be encouraged to be continued by the heart of Brother Lawrence. He had no drastic theology, no theatrics, just relationship. He had methods in the relationship of course; but they were a means to an end, not the end themselves. I am also encouraged that his continual communion with God took time to develop (once again like human relationships). Getting to know God is just that, getting to know God. It takes time, it grows. Sometimes it takes a lot of time.

Getting to know God is more normal than we want it to be -but not less extraordinary. In its fullest form, the presence of God is not us convulsing on the ground in the face of a beaming light. In the garden, Adam and Eve walked with God in the cool of the evening and talked with Him. We tend to always expect brokenness, always expect overwhelming emotion, always expect a 'blast of the spirit.' These things are a dynamic of our relationship, just as certain times with very close friends are emotional; yet I don't feel that something is wrong in those close friendships if things are just normal at times. Is it blasphemous to say that sometimes relationship with God is just normal life? I really don't have an answer to that one.

It seems much easier to lose contact with God than get in touch with Him. It seems that most days that I actually connect with my Dad I get all excited about his heart and run down some trail of thought or action and pretty soon my attention shifts from His heart to my actions; and I set off on a journey He wants to take me on, without Him. One day I'll learn.

I want to see every moment, every breath through his heart. Any act of compassion, any train of thought, any theological perspective that lacks the life giving blood of Jesus being pumped from the heart of God is a waste of time.

When will the daily and the divine ever collide in my life?

A Lesson from the Early Church

I am doing some research on the early church's interaction with Rome in the 1st through 3rd centuries. Here is an interesting quote I just came across.

"In the cheerless waste of pagan corruption, the small and despised band of Christians was an oasis fresh with life and hope. It was the salt of the earth, and the light of the world. Poor in this world's goods, it bore the imperishable treasures of the kingdom of heaven. Mekk and lowly in heart, it was destined according to the promise of the Lord, without a stroke of the sword, to inherit the earth. In submission it conquered; by suffering and death it won the crown of life."

-Phillip Schaff History of the Christian Church

Interesting that one of the most explosive eras of church growth was epitomized by suffering and service. Reading history on the early church I have seen nothing until Constantine in the way of Christian political maneuvering. It is true that early followers of Jesus didn't have much in the way of options politically; but we also don't hear of any violent or even political action on the part of believers to 'get their rights' or even somehow overthrow or preserve unjust, ungoldy systems. Their ethics, their hope, the kingdom they belonged to, transcended the sea of paganism around them. They did not try to change the culture; they followed Jesus and as a result became a bonfire that continually attracted the attention of even the highest officials.

Mingling the Daily and the Divine.

I find myself synchronizing the transcendent and the trivial. Is any one event, time, or place more sacred than any other? I find myself not necessarily wanting the 'sacred' to become more normal, rather I want the normal to become more sacred. I want to see the God of the universe transcend even the trivial parts of my life. I long for the day when my intense connection with God is not dependent on my context, my disposition, or activities.

The Struggles of a Liturgical Evangelical Anabaptist

Spontenaity, originality, off the cuff, progressive, driving, contemporary. I have found myself struggling to be in churches that are either 'contemporary' or trying to be 'contemporary'. I feel that the greater part of the evangelical service is like a tv commercial, get in as many different spiritual feelings flashed in front of us as we can in thirty seconds, then move on to something new. The entertainment factor is so frustrating to me. It seems that the current evangelical church is somewhat ignorant of the past 2000 years of worship. As those before us have nothing valuable or applicable to this decade.

In the last few years I have discovered what is simple, what is thoughtful, what is deep, is what rejuvenates me. Saying the Creeds reduces the complexity of religion into simple powerful truths. Reciting the Lord's prayer brings a wholistic picture as to God's desire for my life. The structure of a call to worship followed by confession, an assurance that we are forgiven, response to that in worship (whether hymn, reading, or contemporary worship song, or maybe just spoken words) and exaltation of the glorious Father who loves us and is the center of our existance.

I realize much of this desire is shaped by my personality. I don't think the liturgical structure is the absolute only way to worship; but I do feel like much of contemporary worship is fast paced, entertaining, largely emotionally driven, and hectic.

I think I'm going to try and find an evening service with something liturgical.