What Scares Children About Christianity

Growing up, I sat through a lot of business meetings with people who liked to sing songs like Victory in Jesus or They Will Know We are Christians By Our Love. I hated business meetings, a lot. A part of me found them entertaining, like watching a train wreck, or reality TV before reality TV existed. To this day I like the idea of being the fly on the wall in an argument, it's intriguing. I suppose if I was home around 1pm and had a tv I'd be addicted to soap operas.

Soap operas aside. Another part of me was scared. Kids don't think much about the future, but when they do there is this assumption that everything will be exactly the same as it is now, except that there will be a jet-pack or a pony, and a laser gun. As I sat in those business meetings I felt trapped, like I would never get out willingly, but I would probably get voted off the island at some point. After putting out my torch I would fly away in my jetpack.

If I were ever in a church that had business meetings like that again, I probably wouldn't go to them. If they made me I would probably listen to a Rock review podcast, put tape over my mouth, and gouge my eyes out. Obviously I kid. I would probably listen to James Earl Jones read the Bible, that way I would have the excuse of doing something spiritual.

Next time you decide to have an argument about whether or not the new chairs should be blue or red, or which version of the Bible should be used in preaching, or really anything that shows that you are fighting for something you consider more important than the person you are arguing with, remember there are children listening. They may be getting their jetpack fueled and ready to go.

Shame Looks Like Polite Behavior

I've been pulled over nine times, for lots of reasons. I've only received two tickets, both of those for speeding. The first ticket was twenty days after I got my license, as I was driving to basketball practice. I was running late, and my alarm that morning was literally a half dead chicken being chewed on by our dog outside the window. I was distracted, and frustrated, and running late for JV basketball practice. In high school you don't show up late for practice, it hurts your chances of getting on the varsity team later, and ultimately getting a girlfriend. I was speeding, I got a ticket.

When you've been pulled over that many times with so few tickets to show for it, you start to think of cops differently. You'd think I would be fearless and feel invincible. It's quite the opposite actually. I could be staring at my speedometer, going 55, hands on 10 and 2, and I'll feel a fear come over me when a cop drives by. I just know he's going to get me for something. He and all his cop friends from across the country are having a discussion over donuts every morning about how they regretted letting me off all those times, and how they are going to get me one of these days.

Shame feels like that, this looming feeling that I'm going to get it someday, somehow someone will see that time.... even now I am thinking carefully about what sorts of words I use so I don't tip you off as to what I'm talking about. So here's where I check my speedometer, and put my hands on ten and two so you're none the wiser.

Some Day I'll Stop Blaming the Church.

It's really easy to blame generic entities for my problems. McDonald's made me fat, those politicians are responsible for screwing up our economy, and germain to today's topic, the mainstream evangelical church is ruining everything.

I like to use the last one quite a bit. For example I could say that the church is terrible at relating to the poor, homosexuals, Democrats, and anyone else the deem outside of orthodoxy, faith, or comfort zone. For a few seconds I feel like I'm actually saying something, fighting the corrupt institution, setting people free from religious chains.

I don't want to use generalizations anymore, please call me out if I do. I'll try to be more specific from now on.

At some point I would like to be free from the angst I have against the religious culture I have experienced in my lifetime, as well as the one I have created in my own life, the second issue is they key to solving the first.

By the way I should point out that the religious culture I grew up in is full of wonderful people who care a lot about their faith and serving others. They have encouraged me to seek God, and in large part I have them to thank for introducing me to Jesus.

My default modus operandi is the opposite of the motivation that Jesus calls me to. Essentially I resort to insecurity, shame, people pleasing, and self serving in most situations. As a result I want to be validated by people around me that I see as somehow pious or passionate about faith (usually in external forms), and I want to fit in and be accepted by the culture I grew up in (namely North American Evangelical church).

As I look to be validated by a group that shares my faith in following Jesus, but chooses to express that in sometimes very different ways than I do I have two options: 1) stop trying to be validated by them through mimicry; 2) change them so they live like me. My cynicism and angst bring me to the conclusion that I usually do the first.

Jesus didn't feel the need to be validated by anyone but the Father, no matter what setting He was in. He said some pretty harsh things regarding the religious system of the time, but He had the right, seeing that He had originally put the Jewish system of worship in place. Jesus didn't cause a fuss because He felt insecure about Himself. Jesus seemed comfortable in His own shoes.

I probably won't stop raising questions I have about faith, but anything flowing from my own insecurities aren't helpful, they'll just degrade to urgent thoughts flowing out of insecurities. I'm sure I will continue at times to resort to insecurity and angst as a motivation but by the miracle of God's interaction with His people I think I'm heading in the right direction, this is after all a journey.

Why Kindness Matters

If you are a Jerk, I'm more likely to think you are also an idiot.

It doesn't really matter if you are right or not. You might have arguments that would convince Hannibal Lecter to go Vegan. But if you give off that vibe that you are far superior to those around you, and that no one else has anything worthwhile to say, I probably won't feel like listening.

All the knowledge in the world is useless if it cannot be communicated effectively and cordially.

Thank you for letting me vent.

Too Much to Do On My Own

Prayer is really important. It's not just a little thing we should do before meals, or a meditation tool we use to align our inner self; it is talking with God. It's something I don't do enough.

I've been praying more lately (lately meaning yesterday), not just the little talk to God here and there thing, but setting aside a chunk of time to pray about a lot of different things. It's a bit humbling. I'm starting to realize I didn't think prayer was that important before. In my head I had thoughts like, "Oh yes more prayer is better," but I saw it as something that had more to do with relationship than anything else. I realized this week that there is a lot in my life and the lives of those around me that God wants to change, and for whatever reason He waits on us to do something about it. As I've realized all there is to do, I've also realized I don't really have what it takes to get things done, and here I'm reminded that I am small, God is big, and prayer is important.

I took some time to pray yesterday.

"Oh dang maybe I should get that definitions glossary done for class."

"I think I got an email on my phone."

"I should do some reading for my Literary Criticism class."

"What about running to the insurance office to sign that policy."

I had a thought every five minutes. It's going to take some time to turn my mindset around.

Finding the Line

I want to be honest with you, but because I care about you and what you think. I won't.

I'm trying to decide if that line means I love people enough that I don't want to disappoint them, or if I'm trying to maintain an image. I find myself in tension, I want to be completely honest with who I am, but I know that the words I say affect more than just my own life.

Derek Webb, previously a member of Sonic Flood, said the best thing that can happen to us is that all our sins are broadcast on the 5pm news. I'm thinking of leaking information and getting it over with.

I don't feel like I am hiding. I feel like I'm told to be quiet. The question is, is that God, me, or those around me saying that? The answer is important, and as a writer and musician the answer affects most of what I do.

I'm looking for feedback (either via the blog or facebook) on this one. I'm hoping for a bit of disagreement, I want to consider all aspects of this.

Thoughts?

Existential Verification.

The proof is in the pudding.

I follow Jesus. A real person, past and present, who claimed he was God in way clearly understandable to his Jewish audience. He then invited people to leave behind their personal ambitions, and at times their wealth, in order to listen to what he said about life and reality and God, and to tell others what he said.

So here I am 2000 or so years later. I believe him.

Why?

I did grow up in a Christian home, which means one of two things. 1) I just inherited my parents views (or at least some of them) which are constructs and superstitious malarky or 2) I learned something true from my parents, and others, that I have accepted as truth and have embraced.

Either way I have tried to form my life around those views, those things which I believe are true, and have looked at the world with the assumption that the words in the Bible are God's word to us, and that Jesus is who he says he is, God incarnate... many implications follow.

It has been several years since I have decided for myself, to follow Jesus, to believe him, to submit my life to him. What have been the results?

Following Jesus isn't about me (at least it's not supposed to be), it's about him, but if the Bible is true, and Jesus is really God, then the things he said should also be true right?

"I have come that you may have life, and life to the full..."

-Over the past few years I have lived in various states of wealth, friendship, comfort, and emotion. During that time, I can easily mark parts of my life where I was trying (and still often try) to get something I want: sex, money, people's attention, recognition.... During those times, whether short lived or an extended amount of time, even if I got what I wanted, it felt like the morning after one emotional beer too many, I had reached my goal, but it had failed to deliver lasting result, it had let me down.

-I went to Ireland a couple of years ago, it was fun, but at the same time miserable. I liked a girl who didn't like me back, though she was a very kind and good friend. It was fairly petty, I was pouting about the whole deal. In the context of life it was small and insignificant, but in the moment huge. We went to this Island in Scotland, I sat down on an empty beach and talked to God, then just sat and listened, thinking about the things he says in the Bible, thinking about who he asks me to be. All of the sudden my problem didn't matter anymore. All that mattered was that I shared life with Him. I felt like I was who I was supposed to be. Nothing in my circumstance changed, and I didn't learn to meditate and ignore my circumstance, I just sat there at rest, at peace even within them. I felt alive, I could feel every drop of water that hit my feet as the tide came up. This is just one of many times, in larger and smaller situations that have proved to me over and over again that the only lasting peace and life I have ever experienced have come in Jesus.

"Empty Religion Kills..." (my paraphrase.)

Jesus told the religious leaders of the day that they were like white washed tombs with dead men's bones inside. He pointed out that the whole system of worship was set up so that they would be led to relationship with God. If you do any kind of genuine study of the first 3/4 of the Bible (which many Christians largely ignore with the exception of Psalms, Proverbs, and 15 year old boys who giggle at the sexual references of Song of Solomon) you'll see that from the beginning it was about God having relationship with mankind.

-Growing up, and even now, I find structured religion (even Christian) largely frustrating, it feels heavy and stifling. Not because I want to go out and get smashed and Christians tell me not to, it is more because I would rather sit down and talk about life and God, and what he says rather than sit through another Bible study where no one says anything. I don't find a messy church, or messy people as an argument against the validity of what Jesus said, because Jesus (nor scripture) didn't lay out the church structure we have today, people did. I don't think God cares as much about the structure, for or against, so much as he cares about the beating hearts inside of it.

When I do religious things that are formalities, or organized events where I move through some religious motions (emphasis on my nonchalant nature) it drains me, it feels pointless and stupid.

People attending a church and saying it "didn't do anything for them" are backing up what Jesus said, if you are into religion, it's going to leave you empty and yield nothing but sporadic emotional responses to good music or some self inspiring message. When I gather with other followers of Jesus I want to hear, talk about, and honor Jesus, not here about an inspirational message from Tony Robbins. I don't like religion, I absolutely love relationship with Jesus.

These things are evidences of an assumption. And I'm sure that anyone could say things like, "Well you are just experiencing normal human reactions to religious experiences. Or maybe your set of assumptions have worked for you to help you cope with life." Maybe they would even say that of course I can get through life fine, it has been comparatively easy.

While I continue to experience, and talk to others who experience, that everything in scripture is applicable to life and everyday living, in North America, The Middle East, Central Africa, and Asia, that following Jesus is relavent across culture and time. Behind my assumptions are many more evidences that I could not express in several paragraphs (or several years of a blog), but in the end it has come down to faith, that Jesus has sought me out, and called me to follow him, which I have decided to do. A decision I have never regretted since.