Travis makes cat furniture. Big cat furniture with varying elevations for the kitty to romp on with his little paws. He makes small cat furniture, just a basic scratching post for your conservative Mennonite cats who practice simplicity. Travis makes cat furniture.
Travis drives a big blue Ford truck that get's 30 mpg. He puts oil in the Diesel to make it last longer. It's a 7.2 liter that they use in dump trucks. If a Bradley Fighting Vehicle ran it over it wouldn't bust it.
Travis has a kerosene heater he just bought for his shop. It's fuel injected. It burns three gallons of Kerosene an hour; but he doesn't need to run it more than a half hour a day. It works pretty good to keep him warm while he's working on cat furniture. Before it cost him $200 a month with an electric heater.
Travis is awkward. I'm a jerk so if I'm honest I would say he is socially retarded.** He's a child of God, he is beautiful to the Father, he is loved by the Father. I'm not God, I'm not Jesus; as a result I tend to be really selfish, a jerk really.
Travis called the church looking for a singles group. They gave him my number. I could tell by his voice that he was socially retarded; and he wanted to know if there were single girls in the group... oh geez. I figured I couldn't get away with a clean conscience without inviting him to something, so I invited him on to hang out with us on Sunday. He hit on my now girlfriend, and was as I predicted socially retarded. I found out very quickly that he makes cat furniture.
It's been a few weeks, he's still socially retarded. I've heard so many times about what kind of carpet he uses for his cat furniture. I know his truck better than I know my own -now wrecked- car. It is so ridiculously draining talking with this guy. I don't even know what to say. Today he said "Did you know Wal-mart employs a million people around the world? I'd have to make a lot of cat furniture to have that many employees!"
I was drastically curious "What brought that to mind Travis?"
He shrugged "I don't know, just thinkin."
I have my arm around my lovely girlfriend who by this time has escaped the torture by falling asleep. Travis makes me want to have a Thyroid problem just like her. Sleep, sweet escape. I want to talk about deep stuff, fun stuff. I want to talk with my girlfriend for more than five minutes without hearing about freaking cat furniture! He draws you in, he just stares at you and won't let you get away from the conversation!
Travis.
Travis shows me how selfish I am. How disabled I am. I have such an inability to love. To have compassion. I know I'm trying, I know we're doing a ton just by continuing to invite him on Sundays. How does this line up with what the God of the Universe says to me?
From Philippians 2
Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others. Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus, who, although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant, and being made in the likeness of men. Being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.
There's this site called failblog.org that puts up all this pictures of obvious failure by us stupid humans. My life on the site would be LOVE FAIL.
Jesus is God, quite familiar with divine conversation, perfect love, perfect selflessness, communion of the Trinity. He became man and hung out with a region full of social, spiritual retards. Peter... retard. Thomas... retard. All twelve disciples... retards. Read the gospels, read acts. They did amazing things... and they did stupid things.
The tenderness and mercy of Jesus blew right past their shortcomings, their undesireableness. God interacting with man on a daily basis.
Being around Travis will be a good thing for me. Hopefully he feels loved and recieves friendship from us. Beign around Travis drags me into the street naked; standing before God next to my mistress, selfishness. He shows me mercy; but calls me to leave my lust behind, my lust for myself, my passion for my own desires. I can talk all day of what is "emotionally healthy" for me, or "what I can stand" in relating to Travis. God have mercy on me. This selfish, prideful man.
**The mentally ill are a beautiful part of God's kingdom, I have heard stories of healing and love that have flowed from simple hearts that put me to shame. If you read the whole thing right you'll see that my distinctions of calling someone socially retarded are a selfish sinful human distinction. Retard is a dirogitory term only because in our selfishness we have deemed the mentally handicapped as something 'less' than us. My use of the word shows not only my willingnes to make Travis something 'less' in my mind; but also acknowledges that in some way I consider myself more viable than the mentally ill. May God have mercy on me.
A Goshen Winter Walk
I wrecked my car last week. It's my own stupid fault, I picked up my cell after getting a text and rear ended someone. The only thing you need to know for this post is that I don't currently have a car.
So I was painting a house for some new acquaintances today trying to piece together a bit of cash in this jobless desert called Elkhart County. I was in a hurry to hitch a ride with Wilbur this morning that I forgot to get breakfast, or bring a lunch. So about 10a.m. I realize this. First I try to call Papa Johns. Too expensive, they won't deliver under $10 orders. So the unthinkable happens... I have to walk. I walk fifteen minutes across downtown Goshen to Subway, then fifteen minutes back.
It was actually kind of nice. Things were pretty toasty around here today (38 degrees, arg). I saw a couple of people, they smiled and said hello. I got exercise. I didn't have to pay the money for gas. I didn't have to worry about rear ending someone. I felt like my little trip to Subway was actually worth something. Good exercise, fresh air, and I'm a little bit tougher for dealing with the cold.
I understand that there are inconveniences to not having a car, but I'm loving the limitations, the forced simplicity of choice. I did really want to go see my girlfriend a bit, she's not feeling well, but she went to bed early anyways. I just feel like the pace of life is so much more relaxed when you don't have the option to go anywhere you want whenever you want.
To leap accross the chasm to spiritual application, dying to self is hard. I have choices everywhere. I liked how Rich Mullin's put it "The stuff of earth competes for the allegience that I owe only to the giver of all good things." This whole not having a car thing is making life slow down for me. It's an adjustment, but I like it. Sometimes we have to up the concentration and find God through the distractions; but why can't we adjust the pace of life so we can hear Him better? I want to quit asking God to speak through the noise, THAT I'M MAKING, and slow down enough to hear Him, and not just on Sunday afternoons when the Colts are barely pulling out another W in the 4th.
"Evil looks like business." -Mike Yacconelli
Dad, thank you for the car wreck.
So I was painting a house for some new acquaintances today trying to piece together a bit of cash in this jobless desert called Elkhart County. I was in a hurry to hitch a ride with Wilbur this morning that I forgot to get breakfast, or bring a lunch. So about 10a.m. I realize this. First I try to call Papa Johns. Too expensive, they won't deliver under $10 orders. So the unthinkable happens... I have to walk. I walk fifteen minutes across downtown Goshen to Subway, then fifteen minutes back.
It was actually kind of nice. Things were pretty toasty around here today (38 degrees, arg). I saw a couple of people, they smiled and said hello. I got exercise. I didn't have to pay the money for gas. I didn't have to worry about rear ending someone. I felt like my little trip to Subway was actually worth something. Good exercise, fresh air, and I'm a little bit tougher for dealing with the cold.
I understand that there are inconveniences to not having a car, but I'm loving the limitations, the forced simplicity of choice. I did really want to go see my girlfriend a bit, she's not feeling well, but she went to bed early anyways. I just feel like the pace of life is so much more relaxed when you don't have the option to go anywhere you want whenever you want.
To leap accross the chasm to spiritual application, dying to self is hard. I have choices everywhere. I liked how Rich Mullin's put it "The stuff of earth competes for the allegience that I owe only to the giver of all good things." This whole not having a car thing is making life slow down for me. It's an adjustment, but I like it. Sometimes we have to up the concentration and find God through the distractions; but why can't we adjust the pace of life so we can hear Him better? I want to quit asking God to speak through the noise, THAT I'M MAKING, and slow down enough to hear Him, and not just on Sunday afternoons when the Colts are barely pulling out another W in the 4th.
"Evil looks like business." -Mike Yacconelli
Dad, thank you for the car wreck.
Spiritual Gluttony
I believe I'm suffering from spiritual gluttony. My spiritual addiction is catching up to me. The next high, the deeper walk.... for what? So I can sit on my butt some more.
It would be stupid to say that God hasn't worked through me, or that I haven't been doing any of his work; but the kinds of work I have been doing don't really cost me all that much.
So here I sit again "God why the hell don't I feel anything?!" I read, I pray, grasping at Him, air, anything. I feel nothing. Not sad, or in despair longing for Him, just nothing, blank, empty, gone, transparent. I'm emotionless enough as it is, I find myself enjoying emotional pain at times. When I hurt, I'm feeling something.
I want joy, I want simplicity in faith, I want laughter. These things come to those who throw themselves wholeheartedly into the kingdom. It's not so much God withholding Himself from us, He continues to infuse His presence into our selfish lives; but if we want to drown in Him then we need to jump in, not just stick our face under the water.
"He is not a tame Lion, but he is good." C.S. Lewis wrote of Aslan, his representation of Christ. My Jesus is not tame, not a house kitty; yet I expect him to come in and sit with me by the fire. Sometimes he does, other times he's out in the blistering cold, in the wind and snow, asking me to come outside in my bare feet. "Sorry, too cold, come inside so we can be close like you want." Of course then I get all pissed off when he stays out there "What, you don't love me?" What a putz, huh? You'd think he'd bite my selfish human head off, his failure to strike me dead is an example of His patience, love and compassion.
I guess I feel like the rich young ruler.
"Good Teacher what shall I do to inherit eternal life?"
"Why do you call me good? God is the only one who is really good. You know the commandments: Don't commit adultery, Don't murder, Don't steal, Don't lie, Honor your parents."
Before Jesus got out the rest he was cut off, "Oh I've done all that."
"You're missing one thing. Sell all your stuff, give it to the poor, flip your life upside down and take up the life I offer you, follow me and what I want you to do...How hard it is for those who have riches to enter the kingdom of God!"
I'm pretty sure I'm saved, but my desires or apathy still seem to supercede the will of my Father. I want all the trimmings; but none of the work.
May I lay down my life in order to find it.
It would be stupid to say that God hasn't worked through me, or that I haven't been doing any of his work; but the kinds of work I have been doing don't really cost me all that much.
So here I sit again "God why the hell don't I feel anything?!" I read, I pray, grasping at Him, air, anything. I feel nothing. Not sad, or in despair longing for Him, just nothing, blank, empty, gone, transparent. I'm emotionless enough as it is, I find myself enjoying emotional pain at times. When I hurt, I'm feeling something.
I want joy, I want simplicity in faith, I want laughter. These things come to those who throw themselves wholeheartedly into the kingdom. It's not so much God withholding Himself from us, He continues to infuse His presence into our selfish lives; but if we want to drown in Him then we need to jump in, not just stick our face under the water.
"He is not a tame Lion, but he is good." C.S. Lewis wrote of Aslan, his representation of Christ. My Jesus is not tame, not a house kitty; yet I expect him to come in and sit with me by the fire. Sometimes he does, other times he's out in the blistering cold, in the wind and snow, asking me to come outside in my bare feet. "Sorry, too cold, come inside so we can be close like you want." Of course then I get all pissed off when he stays out there "What, you don't love me?" What a putz, huh? You'd think he'd bite my selfish human head off, his failure to strike me dead is an example of His patience, love and compassion.
I guess I feel like the rich young ruler.
"Good Teacher what shall I do to inherit eternal life?"
"Why do you call me good? God is the only one who is really good. You know the commandments: Don't commit adultery, Don't murder, Don't steal, Don't lie, Honor your parents."
Before Jesus got out the rest he was cut off, "Oh I've done all that."
"You're missing one thing. Sell all your stuff, give it to the poor, flip your life upside down and take up the life I offer you, follow me and what I want you to do...How hard it is for those who have riches to enter the kingdom of God!"
I'm pretty sure I'm saved, but my desires or apathy still seem to supercede the will of my Father. I want all the trimmings; but none of the work.
May I lay down my life in order to find it.
Letting the Nutrients Get to the Blood
When I drink water, when I eat food; sometimes it doesn't satisfy. I'm still hungry or still thirsty for more. I scoff at the nutritious food that was supposed to supply my body with energy. I expect some magical property to kick in as soon as the food hit's my tongue. I'm ridiculously impatient. What I want should happen, and it should happen now. Unfortunately, the food has to be prepared by the stomach to move through the intestines where all the nutrients are pulled from it. After that the nutrients are put into my blood system and transported all over my body to the organs and muscles that need it. It's a beautiful miracle; but still a continual process.
I heard from a friend that by the time you feel thirsty you're already dehydrated. Sometimes I wish I could eat a huge meal that would last me for a week, so I wouldn't have to worry about eating. It doesn't work that way. I get hungry, I get weak, I get thirsty. I get this way because I don't eat or don't drink; and since I've depleted my system I have to wait for the process to carry the nutrients to my extremities.
We have a spiritual digestive system. I want a now and right now type of God. Unfortunately for my spoiled selfish attitude it doesn't work that way... it's a process. Jesus said "Whoever drinks of the water I give him will never thirst again." I hate phrases like "We are hungry, we are hungry, we are hungry for more of you." We are spiritually gluttonous, why can't we simply abide in Him; feed daily on his word, drink daily from his well? A child does not grow because he strains to do so, he eats, he drinks, he plays, he learns, as a result he grows.
We had a little prayer meeting at the house this morning. It was only a couple days in advance, and it's the holiday weekend so people are out of town. There were just four of us. It was frustrating. I'm spiritually dehydrated. I haven't been drinking from the well, so I'm thirsty. So we spend two hours in prayer and the whole time I'm just frustrated, wondering what the hell I'm doing. I feel stupid, I feel nothing, and God apparently does not want to listen. I'm expecting the water to make me feel healthy and nourished as soon as it hits my tongue. Everyone leaves, I call my girlfriend and rant to her about how God apparently does not like to be near to me, I go get some literal water from the faucet cause I have a headache from physical dehydration.
Rich Mullins is playing on the computer "If I stand let me stand on the promise that you will pull me through, and if I can't let me fall on the grace that first brought me to you." I start to feel the effects of the process, I feel peace, love, strength in my spiritual bones. The gallons of water I had been chugging are finally making their way to the thirsty spiritual muscles and organs.
The first three months I was here in Goshen I was doing pretty good about praying... alot (at least for me); I was spending an hour a day, three or four times a week, in prayer. The prayer was always frustrating, boring, difficult; half the time was spent saying "God this is boring. Where are you?" The first week was annoying and difficult, and I felt like it didn't matter; but then another week went by, and another, and another. I felt life growing inside of me, a deep strength, a desire for righteousness. The times of prayer were still frustrating, annoying, and generally boring. I had to be in a dark room so that I wouldn't get distracted; but with a candle lit so I wouldn't let my mind wander in the darkness. I stopped cause I got distracted, the next three months were pretty rough spiritually, I was dehydrated.
I need to drink deep, and drink daily; not only when I am thirsty. I must be patient, it takes time for life to infuse dead bones.
Drink deep from the river, and drink daily.
The need my not be urgent, and there may be the assurance of water all round.
But what is the use of the running stream if we don't drink from it.
It is beautiful to look at, it is pleasant to hear.
But if it simply flows by, the observer will whither and die.
Drink deep from the water, and drink daily.
Drink before you thirst, drink even when it seems impractical or repetitions, commonplace even.
The water is life.
I heard from a friend that by the time you feel thirsty you're already dehydrated. Sometimes I wish I could eat a huge meal that would last me for a week, so I wouldn't have to worry about eating. It doesn't work that way. I get hungry, I get weak, I get thirsty. I get this way because I don't eat or don't drink; and since I've depleted my system I have to wait for the process to carry the nutrients to my extremities.
We have a spiritual digestive system. I want a now and right now type of God. Unfortunately for my spoiled selfish attitude it doesn't work that way... it's a process. Jesus said "Whoever drinks of the water I give him will never thirst again." I hate phrases like "We are hungry, we are hungry, we are hungry for more of you." We are spiritually gluttonous, why can't we simply abide in Him; feed daily on his word, drink daily from his well? A child does not grow because he strains to do so, he eats, he drinks, he plays, he learns, as a result he grows.
We had a little prayer meeting at the house this morning. It was only a couple days in advance, and it's the holiday weekend so people are out of town. There were just four of us. It was frustrating. I'm spiritually dehydrated. I haven't been drinking from the well, so I'm thirsty. So we spend two hours in prayer and the whole time I'm just frustrated, wondering what the hell I'm doing. I feel stupid, I feel nothing, and God apparently does not want to listen. I'm expecting the water to make me feel healthy and nourished as soon as it hits my tongue. Everyone leaves, I call my girlfriend and rant to her about how God apparently does not like to be near to me, I go get some literal water from the faucet cause I have a headache from physical dehydration.
Rich Mullins is playing on the computer "If I stand let me stand on the promise that you will pull me through, and if I can't let me fall on the grace that first brought me to you." I start to feel the effects of the process, I feel peace, love, strength in my spiritual bones. The gallons of water I had been chugging are finally making their way to the thirsty spiritual muscles and organs.
The first three months I was here in Goshen I was doing pretty good about praying... alot (at least for me); I was spending an hour a day, three or four times a week, in prayer. The prayer was always frustrating, boring, difficult; half the time was spent saying "God this is boring. Where are you?" The first week was annoying and difficult, and I felt like it didn't matter; but then another week went by, and another, and another. I felt life growing inside of me, a deep strength, a desire for righteousness. The times of prayer were still frustrating, annoying, and generally boring. I had to be in a dark room so that I wouldn't get distracted; but with a candle lit so I wouldn't let my mind wander in the darkness. I stopped cause I got distracted, the next three months were pretty rough spiritually, I was dehydrated.
I need to drink deep, and drink daily; not only when I am thirsty. I must be patient, it takes time for life to infuse dead bones.
Drink deep from the river, and drink daily.
The need my not be urgent, and there may be the assurance of water all round.
But what is the use of the running stream if we don't drink from it.
It is beautiful to look at, it is pleasant to hear.
But if it simply flows by, the observer will whither and die.
Drink deep from the water, and drink daily.
Drink before you thirst, drink even when it seems impractical or repetitions, commonplace even.
The water is life.
The "Cost" of Discipleship: Doing the Math
I want to begin with a disclaimer: THIS IS NOT A RANT AGAINST STARBUCKS. If you feel like I'm doing that, then you miss the point.
I honestly don't know much about Starbucks, though I've heard they strive (or at least advertise to) to give fair prices to coffee growers around the world. Once again, this has nothing to do with that. Though their new campaign has sparked my thoughts today.
I honestly don't know much about Starbucks, though I've heard they strive (or at least advertise to) to give fair prices to coffee growers around the world. Once again, this has nothing to do with that. Though their new campaign has sparked my thoughts today.
Join us as we count down to the launch of (STARBUCKS) RED. Starting November 27, every time you buy a special (STARBUCKS) RED product, a contribution will be made to the Global Fund, to help save lives in Africa. It’s all part of our commitment to give back to the communities where we do business, which is a key component of Starbucks™ Shared Planet™.
The above paragraph is from the Starbucks website. Sounds like a good deal. I'm glad their being generous with a part of their profits. Why again does this make me upset?
I first heard about this little event when it popped up as a Facebook event. 65,000 were attending so far according to the event page. I did a little math. Starbucks is giving 5 cents per hand made drink to the Global Fund. Multiply that by the 65,000 or so Facebookers attending and you get around $3250. Wow, what a noble thing! We gave all that money to help sick, starving, uneducated people in Africa!
What if those 65,000 people gave up their coffee for a day and gave that money directly to the Global Fund themselves (For Canadians: only go to Tim Horton's two times a day instead of six)? Assuming that the American people are very thrifty right now because of the downturn I'll give the benefit of the doubt and say $3 a drink.
I first heard about this little event when it popped up as a Facebook event. 65,000 were attending so far according to the event page. I did a little math. Starbucks is giving 5 cents per hand made drink to the Global Fund. Multiply that by the 65,000 or so Facebookers attending and you get around $3250. Wow, what a noble thing! We gave all that money to help sick, starving, uneducated people in Africa!
What if those 65,000 people gave up their coffee for a day and gave that money directly to the Global Fund themselves (For Canadians: only go to Tim Horton's two times a day instead of six)? Assuming that the American people are very thrifty right now because of the downturn I'll give the benefit of the doubt and say $3 a drink.
65,000
x $3
--------------
$195,000
x $3
--------------
$195,000
Let's do some more math. Let's say 65,000 people who regularly attend Starbucks gave up their custom drink twice a month and sent the money to Global Fund.
(The daily total for 65,000 people skipping out on a $3 drink) $195,000
(The number of days a month they gave up drinks) x 2
--------------
$390,000
Let's get the yearly average now
$390,000
x 12
--------------
$4,680,000
(The number of days a month they gave up drinks) x 2
--------------
$390,000
Let's get the yearly average now
$390,000
x 12
--------------
$4,680,000
In Summary. If 65,000 people gave up their drink twice a month from Starbucks or otherwise, and repeated the process for a year they would collectively give $4,680,000.
Let's say that money heads out to Sierra Leone, one of the poorer countries in Africa. Just to put it into perspective the average yearly wage there is $140 per person, so our funds from giving up two drinks per month is roughly the equivalent of the yearly wages of 33,500 people. There's a lot of need and a lot of good that money could do.
The point of this is not at all to bash Starbucks, and it's not to do fundraising for Global Fund. This is about the body of Christ in North America that has so much wealth. Our heavenly Father said "Never cease to be generous, for the poor will always be among you." My prayer of the church, for myself, is that we would go beyond just sacrificing a couple drinks a month, which in the end is just as cute and 'sacrificial' as buying a drink that donates 5 cents. Let us give out of our need
"God loves a cheerful giver" has become trite, a little song we learned in Sunday school. Father give us a vision of your generous heart. Cure me of my gluttony, teach me to use my resources frugally on myself; but lavishly on those who have need. Give me the heart of Jesus who gave it all, who had "no place to rest his head."
Let's say that money heads out to Sierra Leone, one of the poorer countries in Africa. Just to put it into perspective the average yearly wage there is $140 per person, so our funds from giving up two drinks per month is roughly the equivalent of the yearly wages of 33,500 people. There's a lot of need and a lot of good that money could do.
The point of this is not at all to bash Starbucks, and it's not to do fundraising for Global Fund. This is about the body of Christ in North America that has so much wealth. Our heavenly Father said "Never cease to be generous, for the poor will always be among you." My prayer of the church, for myself, is that we would go beyond just sacrificing a couple drinks a month, which in the end is just as cute and 'sacrificial' as buying a drink that donates 5 cents. Let us give out of our need
"God loves a cheerful giver" has become trite, a little song we learned in Sunday school. Father give us a vision of your generous heart. Cure me of my gluttony, teach me to use my resources frugally on myself; but lavishly on those who have need. Give me the heart of Jesus who gave it all, who had "no place to rest his head."
Giving Him All the Crap and None of the Glory... Jason and Thankfulness.
List of Thank You:
Thank you Leonard for letting me sleep on your couch for two weeks. Enjoy the Rogue Ale.
Thank you Wilbur and Shirley for a home... not just a house to sleep in. Oh, and for the flexible payment dates, and for putting up with my messiness, and getting home late, and a whole other list of things I'm sure are annoying about me.
Thank you Larry for work, for paying me way more than necessary, and for making up work when there was none left for me.
Thank you Jordan, Steph, Mindy, Kyle, all you people who gave me lots of things to laugh about and lots of things to be grateful for in the middle of some tough times.
Thank you Chris and Preston for being so gracious with the cold hard cash.
Thank you Jim and Hope for looking for jobs for me, for letting me borrow the clothes to go try to get jobs, for being motivated for me when I had none left.
Thank you Courtney for making me feel like I was still a man, and that I was still worth something, and just because I could not get a job did not mean that I was incompetent. Oh, and for the emotional wellness days. You have been an Oasis in turmoil.
So what about God? It's easy for me to complain to him, cry out to Him, wonder what He's doing when things go bad. Now that things have taken a slight upturn I wonder what's wrong with me. I have to strain to find things to be thankful for? I can easily attribute the change to people, or events. I know, He is the one orchestrating things. I'm sure when this is all over we can talk about it and He'll explain the whole thing to me, and I'll see how much He cares. I just have a hard time pinning things on God that go good cause I don't get to see what He's doing behind the scenes.
I'm going to butcher this; but there's some quote that says "You may be the only Jesus they see." Well people have been the only Jesus that I've seen. He unfortunately doesn't manifest His physical presence in the person of Jesus in my living room on a daily, yearly, decade, or century basis. He does graciously make himself known through the compassion and generosity of my friends, through acts of love, through scandalous grace that gives to a guy who commonly mishandles his finances... even in times of crisis... So my thank you's are to Him; His manifested presence in the church, his body.
Thank you Leonard for letting me sleep on your couch for two weeks. Enjoy the Rogue Ale.
Thank you Wilbur and Shirley for a home... not just a house to sleep in. Oh, and for the flexible payment dates, and for putting up with my messiness, and getting home late, and a whole other list of things I'm sure are annoying about me.
Thank you Larry for work, for paying me way more than necessary, and for making up work when there was none left for me.
Thank you Jordan, Steph, Mindy, Kyle, all you people who gave me lots of things to laugh about and lots of things to be grateful for in the middle of some tough times.
Thank you Chris and Preston for being so gracious with the cold hard cash.
Thank you Jim and Hope for looking for jobs for me, for letting me borrow the clothes to go try to get jobs, for being motivated for me when I had none left.
Thank you Courtney for making me feel like I was still a man, and that I was still worth something, and just because I could not get a job did not mean that I was incompetent. Oh, and for the emotional wellness days. You have been an Oasis in turmoil.
So what about God? It's easy for me to complain to him, cry out to Him, wonder what He's doing when things go bad. Now that things have taken a slight upturn I wonder what's wrong with me. I have to strain to find things to be thankful for? I can easily attribute the change to people, or events. I know, He is the one orchestrating things. I'm sure when this is all over we can talk about it and He'll explain the whole thing to me, and I'll see how much He cares. I just have a hard time pinning things on God that go good cause I don't get to see what He's doing behind the scenes.
I'm going to butcher this; but there's some quote that says "You may be the only Jesus they see." Well people have been the only Jesus that I've seen. He unfortunately doesn't manifest His physical presence in the person of Jesus in my living room on a daily, yearly, decade, or century basis. He does graciously make himself known through the compassion and generosity of my friends, through acts of love, through scandalous grace that gives to a guy who commonly mishandles his finances... even in times of crisis... So my thank you's are to Him; His manifested presence in the church, his body.
Bottom of the job hunt barrel.
Went into Taco Bell today. They were out of job applications.
"What are you looking to do sir?"
My response pretty much let out this well of anguish. I seriously just about burst into tears in front of the store manager. I don't usually cry which lets me know how much this is all getting to me. "Anything." It represented defeat.
I'm not much of a fighter, I'm not one of those cancer patients who goes through chemo five times then climbs everest. Heck they wouldn't even put the needle in my arm before I would say 'screw it, Jesus get the party ready, I'm comin home!'
Most of the time I'm doin pretty good. I have good friends. A wonderful girlfried... she made me Oregon Chai with cool whip in it. She made me skip class to have an emotional wellness day. I like emotional wellness day. It's sort of like when mom used to wake us up and say "mom's holiday," she'd call the school and tell them we were staying with her for the day. Anyways, Courtney's a sweetheart, definitely lots of Jesus in that girl. Sometimes... most of the time, Jesus shows himself to us through other people. In this case, Jesus is 21 years old and gorgeous.
I want to give my time to the kingdom, I want to help people. Unfortunately that usually doesn't pay; in fact it costs money sometimes.
Back to the job search thing. The whole inward collapse at Taco Bell wasn't really a suprise. I was pretty pissed off from the time that I put on my tie (supposedly wearing a tie helps you get a job, maybe my chances will go up if I wear two ties), by this point I'm really wondering why the hell I'm turning in yet another application.
Applications have become "measureable failure." I can see my failure represented by the number of applications I have turned in without even getting an interview. Oh then there's those letters that inform me that all the positions have been filled. These usually come like 2 months after you've already realized you aren't getting the job.
Yea, job searching has become pretty despairaging. I'm not one to get depressed... but this is depressing. The ridiculous thing is that I don't even worry about money, I know I'm gonna have a place to live and food to eat, I have a butload of debt over my head from stupid school and stupid unemployment, and my own stupid inability to not spend stupid money. It's just the job hunt, it's something deeper than having the necessities, it's the ability to provide for ones self. I feel more and more each day like a dirty mooch. I'll scrub toilets for crying out loud, someone just give me a job.
Wilbur and Shirly are patient. I have been prompt with my rent up till now, the first of every month... it's the tenth, they haven't said a thing about it. I think they're just being generous.
There are some really good things in life right now. Fortunately those good things don't cost money; except for the gas it takes to get to those good things. Fellowship in the body of Christ doesn't cost money, laughter doesn't cost money, affection doesn't cost money, love doesn't cost money, acceptance doesn't cost money, family doesn't cost money. Things could get a lot worse, and I'd adjust, it's just the stupid job hunting I can't stand.
I'm hoping for that Taco Bell job, I think it would be a good ministry opportunity. God cares, I know He does. There are a lot of people in my situation who stand to lose a whole lot more... and they don't even have the family of God to fall back on.
On with the job hunt.
"What are you looking to do sir?"
My response pretty much let out this well of anguish. I seriously just about burst into tears in front of the store manager. I don't usually cry which lets me know how much this is all getting to me. "Anything." It represented defeat.
I'm not much of a fighter, I'm not one of those cancer patients who goes through chemo five times then climbs everest. Heck they wouldn't even put the needle in my arm before I would say 'screw it, Jesus get the party ready, I'm comin home!'
Most of the time I'm doin pretty good. I have good friends. A wonderful girlfried... she made me Oregon Chai with cool whip in it. She made me skip class to have an emotional wellness day. I like emotional wellness day. It's sort of like when mom used to wake us up and say "mom's holiday," she'd call the school and tell them we were staying with her for the day. Anyways, Courtney's a sweetheart, definitely lots of Jesus in that girl. Sometimes... most of the time, Jesus shows himself to us through other people. In this case, Jesus is 21 years old and gorgeous.
I want to give my time to the kingdom, I want to help people. Unfortunately that usually doesn't pay; in fact it costs money sometimes.
Back to the job search thing. The whole inward collapse at Taco Bell wasn't really a suprise. I was pretty pissed off from the time that I put on my tie (supposedly wearing a tie helps you get a job, maybe my chances will go up if I wear two ties), by this point I'm really wondering why the hell I'm turning in yet another application.
Applications have become "measureable failure." I can see my failure represented by the number of applications I have turned in without even getting an interview. Oh then there's those letters that inform me that all the positions have been filled. These usually come like 2 months after you've already realized you aren't getting the job.
Yea, job searching has become pretty despairaging. I'm not one to get depressed... but this is depressing. The ridiculous thing is that I don't even worry about money, I know I'm gonna have a place to live and food to eat, I have a butload of debt over my head from stupid school and stupid unemployment, and my own stupid inability to not spend stupid money. It's just the job hunt, it's something deeper than having the necessities, it's the ability to provide for ones self. I feel more and more each day like a dirty mooch. I'll scrub toilets for crying out loud, someone just give me a job.
Wilbur and Shirly are patient. I have been prompt with my rent up till now, the first of every month... it's the tenth, they haven't said a thing about it. I think they're just being generous.
There are some really good things in life right now. Fortunately those good things don't cost money; except for the gas it takes to get to those good things. Fellowship in the body of Christ doesn't cost money, laughter doesn't cost money, affection doesn't cost money, love doesn't cost money, acceptance doesn't cost money, family doesn't cost money. Things could get a lot worse, and I'd adjust, it's just the stupid job hunting I can't stand.
I'm hoping for that Taco Bell job, I think it would be a good ministry opportunity. God cares, I know He does. There are a lot of people in my situation who stand to lose a whole lot more... and they don't even have the family of God to fall back on.
On with the job hunt.
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