Spiritual Gluttony

I believe I'm suffering from spiritual gluttony. My spiritual addiction is catching up to me. The next high, the deeper walk.... for what? So I can sit on my butt some more.

It would be stupid to say that God hasn't worked through me, or that I haven't been doing any of his work; but the kinds of work I have been doing don't really cost me all that much.

So here I sit again "God why the hell don't I feel anything?!" I read, I pray, grasping at Him, air, anything. I feel nothing. Not sad, or in despair longing for Him, just nothing, blank, empty, gone, transparent. I'm emotionless enough as it is, I find myself enjoying emotional pain at times. When I hurt, I'm feeling something.

I want joy, I want simplicity in faith, I want laughter. These things come to those who throw themselves wholeheartedly into the kingdom. It's not so much God withholding Himself from us, He continues to infuse His presence into our selfish lives; but if we want to drown in Him then we need to jump in, not just stick our face under the water.

"He is not a tame Lion, but he is good." C.S. Lewis wrote of Aslan, his representation of Christ. My Jesus is not tame, not a house kitty; yet I expect him to come in and sit with me by the fire. Sometimes he does, other times he's out in the blistering cold, in the wind and snow, asking me to come outside in my bare feet. "Sorry, too cold, come inside so we can be close like you want." Of course then I get all pissed off when he stays out there "What, you don't love me?" What a putz, huh? You'd think he'd bite my selfish human head off, his failure to strike me dead is an example of His patience, love and compassion.

I guess I feel like the rich young ruler.

"Good Teacher what shall I do to inherit eternal life?"

"Why do you call me good? God is the only one who is really good. You know the commandments: Don't commit adultery, Don't murder, Don't steal, Don't lie, Honor your parents."

Before Jesus got out the rest he was cut off, "Oh I've done all that."

"You're missing one thing. Sell all your stuff, give it to the poor, flip your life upside down and take up the life I offer you, follow me and what I want you to do...How hard it is for those who have riches to enter the kingdom of God!"

I'm pretty sure I'm saved, but my desires or apathy still seem to supercede the will of my Father. I want all the trimmings; but none of the work.

May I lay down my life in order to find it.