Bottom of the job hunt barrel.

Went into Taco Bell today. They were out of job applications.

"What are you looking to do sir?"

My response pretty much let out this well of anguish. I seriously just about burst into tears in front of the store manager. I don't usually cry which lets me know how much this is all getting to me. "Anything." It represented defeat.

I'm not much of a fighter, I'm not one of those cancer patients who goes through chemo five times then climbs everest. Heck they wouldn't even put the needle in my arm before I would say 'screw it, Jesus get the party ready, I'm comin home!'

Most of the time I'm doin pretty good. I have good friends. A wonderful girlfried... she made me Oregon Chai with cool whip in it. She made me skip class to have an emotional wellness day. I like emotional wellness day. It's sort of like when mom used to wake us up and say "mom's holiday," she'd call the school and tell them we were staying with her for the day. Anyways, Courtney's a sweetheart, definitely lots of Jesus in that girl. Sometimes... most of the time, Jesus shows himself to us through other people. In this case, Jesus is 21 years old and gorgeous.

I want to give my time to the kingdom, I want to help people. Unfortunately that usually doesn't pay; in fact it costs money sometimes.

Back to the job search thing. The whole inward collapse at Taco Bell wasn't really a suprise. I was pretty pissed off from the time that I put on my tie (supposedly wearing a tie helps you get a job, maybe my chances will go up if I wear two ties), by this point I'm really wondering why the hell I'm turning in yet another application.

Applications have become "measureable failure." I can see my failure represented by the number of applications I have turned in without even getting an interview. Oh then there's those letters that inform me that all the positions have been filled. These usually come like 2 months after you've already realized you aren't getting the job.

Yea, job searching has become pretty despairaging. I'm not one to get depressed... but this is depressing. The ridiculous thing is that I don't even worry about money, I know I'm gonna have a place to live and food to eat, I have a butload of debt over my head from stupid school and stupid unemployment, and my own stupid inability to not spend stupid money. It's just the job hunt, it's something deeper than having the necessities, it's the ability to provide for ones self. I feel more and more each day like a dirty mooch. I'll scrub toilets for crying out loud, someone just give me a job.

Wilbur and Shirly are patient. I have been prompt with my rent up till now, the first of every month... it's the tenth, they haven't said a thing about it. I think they're just being generous.

There are some really good things in life right now. Fortunately those good things don't cost money; except for the gas it takes to get to those good things. Fellowship in the body of Christ doesn't cost money, laughter doesn't cost money, affection doesn't cost money, love doesn't cost money, acceptance doesn't cost money, family doesn't cost money. Things could get a lot worse, and I'd adjust, it's just the stupid job hunting I can't stand.

I'm hoping for that Taco Bell job, I think it would be a good ministry opportunity. God cares, I know He does. There are a lot of people in my situation who stand to lose a whole lot more... and they don't even have the family of God to fall back on.

On with the job hunt.