For The Thing Itself.

I'm tired of doing things as a means to an end rather as an end in themselves.

Writing for example. There was a time when I wrote as a means to an end, mainly to get better at writing. It worked, I became a better writer. I'm glad that I forced myself to do that sort of thing, but I'm glad I don't do it quite as much anymore. It was miserable. It basically took the thing I wanted to love to do and taught me to hate it. I'm glad I survived that experience.

I suppose you could argue that sort of experience is a step in any proces, but I dare say it is a stage of immaturity. Marathon runners get up morning after morning, fighting the urge to sleep, but always glad to be alive and going once their feet hit the pavement. I don't understand runners (nor do accountants understand why I would ever be so keenly interested in improving my grammar).

Maturity does the thing for the thing itself, even if it is a means to an end. This post, this sentence, these words are the work in front of me and it brings me joy to arrange them on my screen this morning. Of course this world is still tainted, sometimes I have to fight for that joy, but most mornings, even in the frustrating times, it is there.

I'm going to take a turn now and point myself in the direction I originally intended. Last night my wife was talking about whether or not she took her faith seriously enough, or whether or not she did enough. If I can be honest for her, she has to fight the feeling about what she 'should' do, which is funny because without even realizing it she is drastically selfless. I fight these sorts of things as well. Certain things that Jesus said about caring for down and outs cut at my rather self centered existence. I find myself continually fighting what Brennan Manning talked about when he said "don't should on ourself."

Brennan Manning was one of those people who did the thing for the thing itself, to the point that he almost didn't seem aware of the service he was involved in, including work with the homeless and AIDS patients in New Orleans. It's a sign of his maturity (though he was certainly deficient in other areas). To him, loving was the means to the end and the end itself.

I want that.