All The Reasons I Have to Pass Out.

Bearing the emotional intensity of a situation is not typically North American. I want to medicate my stress, numb my pain, and pretend everything will be, or just is ok. If your goal is to live life fully, this does not help much.

I am often afraid, in this case afraid of a paper that is due next week. On a larger scale I'm afraid of failure -that somehow I'm not good enough, or smart enough.

There are a lot of ways to medicate things: food, sex, mindless entertainment, good company and casual conversations, but none of them actually take care of things

A friend of mine told me recently that he is trying to feel the full force of loneliness, or failure, or whatever negative emotion he is feeling. I've been inspired, and it sucks. At least its real. It takes a lot more courage to face things as they are. Ultimately it leads me to dependence on God.

I think people who make it through their lives without some sort of major meltdown are those who have found a lot of ways to medicate themselves until they die.

Random snippets I know. I'll allow you to arrange it in your own mind.

Currently afraid of failure and horrendous grammar,

Jason

Revenge Never Brings Redemption

There is a lot of celebration today, as if something good has happened. That depends on what your definition of good is.

Phillip Yancy in his book, What's so Amazing About Grace? used the terms 'grace' and 'ungrace' to define actions in the world. He argued that grace was the only thing that could bring redemption and end bloodshed. Grace does not guarantee peace (in the short term) but is the only way to get to true peace between hearts. Ungrace, he argues, only breeds ungrace.

Today was the closing of one chapter and the opening of another. Stocks went up accross the world as people believed the world is now a safer place. I hate to be a downer, but I believe wood has only been added to the fire.

A good friend of mine like's to blame every Historical event in Europe up till World War II on the power vacuum left after the fall of Rome. While it's a bit tongue in cheek, every military conflict can be traced to another military conflict. Ungrace breeds ungrace.

I've been watching the conversation develop on Facebook and via NPR. Many are celebrating the death of a deadly man. I don't blame them. This man has brought a lot of pain, chaos, and fear to the world. His actions will continue to be felt for years to come. But today is a reminder of the upside down kingdom I am called to.

Jesus said difficult things like love your enemies, or do good to those who would falsely accuse you or persecute you. I've heard a lot of qualifiers for why as a follower of Jesus I should be fine with killing certain people under certain circumstances, but I can't seem to find how that logic fits in with the way that Jesus talked about his kingdom. I'm not writing this post or even this blog to prove some point, or make a theological argument that I hope you'll adopt, I'm saying this so you'll understand what today is about from my perspective. If you're getting ready to refute my claims, you aren't listening.... put down the Bible Everything will be ok we can talk about it another time.

Today I'm reminded that the kingdom I'm living in is about grace and redemption, making new the things that are broken and disgusting, and leaving behind all the things we have the 'right' to hold on to. Paul, the man who ended up writing most of the New Testament was a religious fanatic, whose goal was to silence or kill the early church. Sound familiar? It's easy to forget that. It's easy for me to read about the untrusting early Christian's, "Excuse me, who did you say wants to come preach next Sunday?" and laugh at them for not believing in God's redemptive power. I'm sure many of those believers knew people Paul had killed, they still had a load to bear (or give to God), while Paul experienced the joy of salvation, even in the midst of his cries that he was 'the worst of all sinners.' Bin-Laden didn't claim Jesus as Lord. I doubt he thought of it in his final moments. He didn't dedicate his life to sharing the love that was so freely given to him. In that sense, he and Paul were entirely different. But until a life is ended, as a follower of Christ, the more my heart is formed to His, the more I will see his burning passion to change hearts like the one in Bin-Laden, and the more a day like this should bring tears of loss not joy to my eyes.

I want to qualify this post with all sorts of things, but I won't. Just understand that this is my slice of the pie right now.

Ezekiel 33:11

"As surely as I live, declares the sovereign Lord, I take no pleasure in the death of the wicked, but rather that they turn from their ways and live. Turn! Turn from your evil ways! Why will you die oh people of Israel!"

Your Opinion is Valuable

You might not think your time and your opinion is valuable to others. Depending on how you use your time this may or may not be the case. Everyone has influence of some sort. Even the slightest amount can be powerful. Don't think about avacados, or how they're green, or that they taste good mashed with a bit of salt, lemon, and garlic. I just used some of my influence over you to direct your thoughts. You too posess this power. Recommendation is a powerful tool. I encourage you to use it. Once a week draw attention to an idea, person, musical group, or book, that you found impacting and significant. For example if you are a writer, Anne Lamott's Bird by Bird is a must read. Make sure you don't overdo it and post so many items that no one can pay attention. Find the things that really count and share them. Once I got mad at a youth group for climbing on top of an alter at a cathedral. They hadn't ever seen me mad before, so when I was they took it seriously. On the other hand I know of kids who don't even seem to notice when their parents turn red with fury. Your influence is like that, the more you spend your time hyping up everything, the less time people will listen. You have influence but it's like money, if you keep printing more, each dollar is worth less. So how will you use your influence today? -Jason

Just Keep Moving

I am tormented by insecurity. Usually I'm overcome with a feeling of incompetence. Issues range from finances, to a reading assignment for school have the ability to shut me down emotionally, sometimes for an entire afternoon.

Unfortunately this usually happens to me when I write or make music. If something isn't going well I tend to shut down emotionally, I try to disconnect myself from whatever I'm working on, so if it doesn't turn out well I don't have to experience the pain of creating something not worth reading or listening to.

I wrote my wife a poem today, I'm pretty pleased with it, and knowing my wife I'm sure she'll love it, but there are another thirty or so poems I yelled at, threw away, or spit on.

I have to keep moving, keep writing, keep making music, knowing that somewhere in that struggle toward something is something worthwhile.

The Motivation for Change

My love for God doesn't come out of ecstatic feelings, though He does sometimes enhance the joys of life, nor because He has made life a breeze, though I repeatedly see storms settle when I have nothing left to give. The sense of peace, the thought in the back of my mind that makes me want to smile, the haunting presence that makes me continue wrestling toward God is the fact that He has forgiven me, knows every thing I have done and will do, understands all the ways I have and will fail, and yet loves me and has committed himself toward making me into something beautiful, even if it means temporary pain.

Giving Quality Time

Tomorrow classes begin. Spanish II, Hemingway and Faulkner, Intro to Fiction, and Shakespeare. Though I'm not overly excited about Shakespeare, I'm not dreading any classes this semester. I've already read four of the required reading for the courses in the past couple of months, a healthy diet of Hemingway, Faulkner, Mary Shelley, and Steinbeck, so I'm feeling quite prepared for what lies ahead.

In the past month I've been fairly productive and creative. Wrote a few mediocre posts, wrote a couple of songs, made some advances in my musical knowledge. The past month has been somewhat of a rediscovery of past creative energy that was eaten alive by mounds of school projects, reading assignments, and five articles for the school newspaper (only one of which I was happy with).

It is quite true that there are only so many hours in a day, and only so much we can do. Our time and resources are finite. Any thoughts we have of absolute freedom in choice are a delusion.

I live in North America, and though there are many exceptions I've recognized that my cultural tendency is to do anything and everything I can. No is not a part of my vocabulary. It is even more difficult when you consider the need around you. Kids need mentors, people need friends, the Red Cross needs blood donors, the House Rabbit Society of San Diego needs people to clean rabbits.... so much to do, so little time.

Saying no has been difficult for me, there is a lot of spiritualized guilt that goes along with it. "Why wouldn't you get involved with this great cause? It's for Jesus." The sad thing is that guilt tends to come from my own head. I don't want to let people down, I don't want to seem like I don't care about the rabbits of San Diego.

Jesus did talk about giving sacrificially, and I'm not one to pretend I should make my life as comfortable and care free as possible, but there comes a time that when we give so much to so many different things, in the end we don't give significantly to anything. I cannot connect meaningfully with all 700 people at my church, put quality practice in on the guitar, make dinner for myself and my wife, change the oil on the car, build meaningful relationships in my life, sit with a friend who is going through difficulty, play guitar on worship team, go to school, give guitar lessons, and take time to connect deeply with God, on a weekly basis.

So this is one of my goals for the year, and for my life. Give meaningful and deep attention to a select few items and people, because frankly I'm tired of constantly giving my wife, God and everyone else leftovers. I recognize that this means saying no a lot more than saying yes, which makes me look like a bum,

The Next Step

I am a big believer that we should focus on today, and accept what today brings. Even something as wonderful as a bowl of Oregon clam chowder can be frowned at when what you were really hoping for was Maine lobster. Exalting our hopes and expectations of what tomorrow should bring can cause us to miss some great things in the here and now.

On the other hand, setting out to accomplish a task that can't be completed in one day tends to make each day significant in a bigger process. I didn't become the guitar player I am today by hoping someday I would, and I probably won't become the guitar player I want to be by hoping that I will. The things I have accomplished today are the sum of a thousand days working toward it.

There is a professor I had last semester that I honestly didn't like much, but that doesn't mean he's always wrong. There was very little I took away from the class but one good thing was this, When God makes a squash, He takes 8 weeks. When he makes an oak He takes a hundred years.

There is a passage in Psalms that says that those established in God's way of doing things will be like a tree planted by rivers of water. I think everyone wants to be a big oak, whether that's in some skill, economic status, social standing, relationship, or faith, but we try to do all these little things to shortcut the process.

Churches are a great example of quick and easy routes. In the past four years I've probably heard a pitch for at least twenty different methods of growth, lasting change, and ways to 'do church'. They all seem novel, and exciting, and make a lot of promises, but they last about as long as a Twinkie in my hands.

Sometimes people I trust and respect allow me to cut them open and count their rings as I listen to them talk about how each one was formed. During conversations like that I try to figure out how to replicate that for others, maybe with a five week series, then I realize that the solid trunk I am examining was fifty years in the making and travelled through long seasons of forest fires, drought, floods, and watching their neighbor get chewed down by a beaver. You can't replicate something like that in five 45 minute sessions. And yet we try.

Accomplishing long term goals are difficult in our culture, because we're so used to things that get done at the speed of light. Maybe to readjust yourself, go out into the forest and find a little tree next to a big one and stare at it for a 24 hour period and see how much it grows. Then think about the fact that in fifty years that little tree will be the size of the one that stands next to it now.