Last Words

I just got off the phone with my grandpa. He'll be going in for a second surgery in a few moments. Things don't look good and I am faced with the reality that he might not make it.

People tend to die quicker than we would like them to. They leave at inconvenient times, like when you are asleep or in another part of the country. Rarely do people have the opportunity to say a few final words knowing that there might not be a next time.

The question is, what do you say? Do you try to sum up a lifetime worth of experiences, maybe talk about that time that you turned the wheel on the boat while your grandfather was untangling string that you caught in the motor? Maybe he'd laugh about the glasses that were still at the bottom of the lake. They are still there aren't they?

The problem is, there is really nothing left to say other than I love you, or maybe thank you. And in an instant the phone is pulled from their ear and you face the reality, the possibility of losing earthly access to a lifetime of experiences, memories, recipes, suggestions, family stories, and songs from the fifties about a man who gets fired from a Chicago department store for getting frisky with the female customers.

It is cliche' but sometimes things are cliche' because they are continually true. You don't realize what you have until it's gone.

The Way We Remember

It has been just under a year since Courtney and I began life together in marriage. For our anniversary, this past weekend we went to Yellow Springs, Ohio for a couple of days. I had been to the area two times before and thought it would be a good getaway spot. We were particularly excited about walking through Clifton Gorge.

It is funny how certain events trigger memories. It is particularly hilarious how we tend to remember those things. Somewhere near Lima, Ohio as she thought about the past year Courtney remarked, "You know, looking back on our honeymoon, it was really great. I mean it was perfect!" I stared at her for a few moments, trying to decide whether or not I should jumpstart her memory and whether or not it would ruin our trip. I knew exactly what she was thinking about. A section of our honeymoon was perfect. Maine was beautiful, we had a great place to stay, we ate wonderful food, watched the sunrise over the bay, stayed up late on the dock and listened to the breeze and the water lapping on the shore, we biked around the island, it was a great time. What she was failed to remember was the 20 hour drive there, the crappy hotel in Albany, the too small tent in Connecticut, the wasted drive to Rhode Island, the food poisoning, the last second really crappy hotel, the food poisoning, the hospital visit, sleeping on the floor at a friends house whose air conditioning was broke while their entire family was there. We had some great times but perfect seemed a little far fetched. I reminded her which made her laugh at her oversite. We decided we remembered it as perfect, therefore it was.

Upon arrival we scoped out our hiking route through Clifton Gorge and headed through the limestone carving. As expected it was beautiful. I can't say this is the most amazing place I've been in my life, or even the top ten, but living in Northern Indiana for several years gives a person the ability to appreciate any minor change in geography; It is sort of like having your eyes gouged out in order to gain a better sense of smell or hearing. All joking aside, as you walk through the gorge the rock walls and trees filter out the oppressive elements of an 85 degree day, multiple brooks make their way to the stream and produce the ever calming sound of running water on rocks, and the birds work like DJs during rush hour playing all your favorite hits. Mixed with some hearty exercise the hike made for a relaxing experience.

By the time Courtney and I had made our first 2 mile pass through the gorge we were a bit pasty but not winded. As we looked at the trail map we considered our options for the return trip. Our top two nominees were the North Rim Trail (which was more inviting to our sweaty feet as it was a half mile shorter) and the Conestoga trail that was a bit longer and made us eventually pass parts of the trail that we had already walked. Though we thought the second half might be a bit boring as it would involve some retracing, we wanted to stick close to the river and see if we could catch some new scenery.

We made a good choice. After a while we started seeing familiar territory, but at a different angle. We started seeing things a little differently than we did the first time. We caught different angles of the river, saw some new vistas that we didn't turn are head enough to see the first time. It actually felt like it was a new trail, new but still familiar.

Courtney's comments earlier that day, mingled with our trail experience got me thinking about memories. I had been to Clifton Gorge before. Being there brought back strong scenes, some great, some not so great. As I went back over the memories I noticed things I hadn't before, partly because of things that had happened since then, but mostly because looking back brings a new clarity and muddiness. The harsh edges are taken off the bad memories, making it possible to think about the softer moments you couldn't experience at the time; it's mercy really. Forgetfulness is a form of mercy.

I now have new memories of Clifton Gorge and the enchanting Yellow Springs now: Making up stupid poems with Courtney; staying up late talking with our transplanted, in your face, Chicago hostess about faith, life, and polotics and all the other things you aren't supposed to talk about with people; amazing food like fresh dates with goat cheese wrapped in bacon in Yellow Springs; talking music and documentaries with the record store owner named Josh; dangerous mountain bike trails in John Bryan park; great.....uh.... conversation with Courtney. It was a perfect weekend. At least, that's the way I remember it.

God's Vacuum Cleaner Giveaway

Courtney and I have a vacuum cleaner that my parents bought for me a couple years ago. It is blue like a race car, but it is missing the big engine. Despite its noticeable lack of power, it did the job for my once a..... for the one or two times I cleaned. After marriage I was informed by my wife that the sweeper was not satisfactory.

We have a pug named Murray. He is adorable and hilarious. He also sheds like it's going out of style. I'm pretty sure if Jesus were around today and wanted to talk about the power of a bunch of individuals in community he would use Murray's vacuum clogging hair as an example. "You see, each of you are all like an individual hair from Murray. Soon many of you will fall to the ground but it will not be in vain. You will clog the cheap underpowered vacuum cleaner of the enemy."

At least once a month my wife informs me that the vacuum is broken. She tried to clean it out, it won't work -we better get a new one. Once I have it running again she pretends to be grateful that it is alive.

A couple of months ago she was particularly miffed about the whole vacuum thing. Actually we were both feeling the pains (if you can call them that) of not having enough stuff, or at least the bare necessities (if you can call them that) of life in the United States. After a bit of grumbling we both started feeling sticky and gross. After months of general contentment in our circumstances we were becoming something whiny and disgusting.

Enter God.

After God did a little whispering -which we didn't notice till we were done arguing, we realized we were keeping a part of our dirty hearts from Him. We had talked to him about a lot of the boulders,"Dad get rid of selfishness in us (marriage is good for this), open our eyes to what you want us to do, thank you that we have a place to live and food." The pebbles were starting to blister our feet, but they were petty and should be put up with like good frugal content Christians.

So we had a little come to Jesus moment around the table. A 3x5 card became the alter on which we sacrificed/asked for the things that were fighting for our thoughts. At the top of the list was a new vacuum cleaner then a few other items including a trip to Maine for our anniversary. We both felt a little guilty asking God for such things. We both figured he had bigger more spiritual things for us to pray for.

In the following weeks something beautiful happened. I didn't hear Courtney complain once about the vacuum. In fact we talked about squeezing it in the budget but she stopped me and said it was unnecessary. Thankfulness for what we did have seemed to replace (most of the time) the discontentment. The list was inevitably buried under wedding invitations, recipes, and due bills; dismissed from our thoughts but not God's.

This morning I took my in-laws old Dyson vacuum cleaner to get fixed. They had bought a new one before realizing the old one was still under warranty. They are giving it to us. Not only is it a top of the line vacuum cleaner (probably more expensive than I would ever want Courtney to buy without an altercation), it is a pet hair edition. We were reminded again of the list.

The vacuum wasn't the only item checked off the list, in fact it wasn't even the biggest. A few weeks ago, Courtney and I were sitting in the Denver airport on our way to Oregon for my brother's wedding, waiting for our plane. While I sat there oblivious to anything but Muse in my headphones Courtney heard them announce that the flight was overloaded. She jumped into action and got us $800 in flight vouchers for an extra three hours of waiting in Denver. Those vouchers are going to make it possible for us to go back to Maine next year for our 2 year anniversary.

I feel the need to interject a disclaimer. I really do understand that God has much more for us and desires much more from us than vacations and vacuum cleaners. I think He would rather give us something that changes our hearts than make us comfortable. There is a lot of comfort ahead for those who follow Jesus to it. But as much as my frugal Mennonite background wants God to be a frugal Mennonite, God often seems to speak to us in ways we will understand, even if that seems to bend toward my materialistic North American mindset, even when we are not exactly a prime example of what it means to be a follower of Jesus.

There are a lot of ways I want to resolve all of this, and make it tidy, but really that's not possible. My mind is too small to tidy up God, at some point I just have to accept who He is and what he does, and be thankful in all things. I am pretty sure this is from God, because I'm feeling more excited about the fact that God is tapping us on the shoulder than the fact that we got a new vacuum cleaner and a trip to Maine. Honestly I think that's what he wanted anyway.

All The Reasons I Have to Pass Out.

Bearing the emotional intensity of a situation is not typically North American. I want to medicate my stress, numb my pain, and pretend everything will be, or just is ok. If your goal is to live life fully, this does not help much.

I am often afraid, in this case afraid of a paper that is due next week. On a larger scale I'm afraid of failure -that somehow I'm not good enough, or smart enough.

There are a lot of ways to medicate things: food, sex, mindless entertainment, good company and casual conversations, but none of them actually take care of things

A friend of mine told me recently that he is trying to feel the full force of loneliness, or failure, or whatever negative emotion he is feeling. I've been inspired, and it sucks. At least its real. It takes a lot more courage to face things as they are. Ultimately it leads me to dependence on God.

I think people who make it through their lives without some sort of major meltdown are those who have found a lot of ways to medicate themselves until they die.

Random snippets I know. I'll allow you to arrange it in your own mind.

Currently afraid of failure and horrendous grammar,

Jason

Revenge Never Brings Redemption

There is a lot of celebration today, as if something good has happened. That depends on what your definition of good is.

Phillip Yancy in his book, What's so Amazing About Grace? used the terms 'grace' and 'ungrace' to define actions in the world. He argued that grace was the only thing that could bring redemption and end bloodshed. Grace does not guarantee peace (in the short term) but is the only way to get to true peace between hearts. Ungrace, he argues, only breeds ungrace.

Today was the closing of one chapter and the opening of another. Stocks went up accross the world as people believed the world is now a safer place. I hate to be a downer, but I believe wood has only been added to the fire.

A good friend of mine like's to blame every Historical event in Europe up till World War II on the power vacuum left after the fall of Rome. While it's a bit tongue in cheek, every military conflict can be traced to another military conflict. Ungrace breeds ungrace.

I've been watching the conversation develop on Facebook and via NPR. Many are celebrating the death of a deadly man. I don't blame them. This man has brought a lot of pain, chaos, and fear to the world. His actions will continue to be felt for years to come. But today is a reminder of the upside down kingdom I am called to.

Jesus said difficult things like love your enemies, or do good to those who would falsely accuse you or persecute you. I've heard a lot of qualifiers for why as a follower of Jesus I should be fine with killing certain people under certain circumstances, but I can't seem to find how that logic fits in with the way that Jesus talked about his kingdom. I'm not writing this post or even this blog to prove some point, or make a theological argument that I hope you'll adopt, I'm saying this so you'll understand what today is about from my perspective. If you're getting ready to refute my claims, you aren't listening.... put down the Bible Everything will be ok we can talk about it another time.

Today I'm reminded that the kingdom I'm living in is about grace and redemption, making new the things that are broken and disgusting, and leaving behind all the things we have the 'right' to hold on to. Paul, the man who ended up writing most of the New Testament was a religious fanatic, whose goal was to silence or kill the early church. Sound familiar? It's easy to forget that. It's easy for me to read about the untrusting early Christian's, "Excuse me, who did you say wants to come preach next Sunday?" and laugh at them for not believing in God's redemptive power. I'm sure many of those believers knew people Paul had killed, they still had a load to bear (or give to God), while Paul experienced the joy of salvation, even in the midst of his cries that he was 'the worst of all sinners.' Bin-Laden didn't claim Jesus as Lord. I doubt he thought of it in his final moments. He didn't dedicate his life to sharing the love that was so freely given to him. In that sense, he and Paul were entirely different. But until a life is ended, as a follower of Christ, the more my heart is formed to His, the more I will see his burning passion to change hearts like the one in Bin-Laden, and the more a day like this should bring tears of loss not joy to my eyes.

I want to qualify this post with all sorts of things, but I won't. Just understand that this is my slice of the pie right now.

Ezekiel 33:11

"As surely as I live, declares the sovereign Lord, I take no pleasure in the death of the wicked, but rather that they turn from their ways and live. Turn! Turn from your evil ways! Why will you die oh people of Israel!"

Your Opinion is Valuable

You might not think your time and your opinion is valuable to others. Depending on how you use your time this may or may not be the case. Everyone has influence of some sort. Even the slightest amount can be powerful. Don't think about avacados, or how they're green, or that they taste good mashed with a bit of salt, lemon, and garlic. I just used some of my influence over you to direct your thoughts. You too posess this power. Recommendation is a powerful tool. I encourage you to use it. Once a week draw attention to an idea, person, musical group, or book, that you found impacting and significant. For example if you are a writer, Anne Lamott's Bird by Bird is a must read. Make sure you don't overdo it and post so many items that no one can pay attention. Find the things that really count and share them. Once I got mad at a youth group for climbing on top of an alter at a cathedral. They hadn't ever seen me mad before, so when I was they took it seriously. On the other hand I know of kids who don't even seem to notice when their parents turn red with fury. Your influence is like that, the more you spend your time hyping up everything, the less time people will listen. You have influence but it's like money, if you keep printing more, each dollar is worth less. So how will you use your influence today? -Jason

Just Keep Moving

I am tormented by insecurity. Usually I'm overcome with a feeling of incompetence. Issues range from finances, to a reading assignment for school have the ability to shut me down emotionally, sometimes for an entire afternoon.

Unfortunately this usually happens to me when I write or make music. If something isn't going well I tend to shut down emotionally, I try to disconnect myself from whatever I'm working on, so if it doesn't turn out well I don't have to experience the pain of creating something not worth reading or listening to.

I wrote my wife a poem today, I'm pretty pleased with it, and knowing my wife I'm sure she'll love it, but there are another thirty or so poems I yelled at, threw away, or spit on.

I have to keep moving, keep writing, keep making music, knowing that somewhere in that struggle toward something is something worthwhile.