The Difficulty of Listening.

Listening to pain is a difficult thing. It feels impotent. I just listened for a half hour or so, fighting constantly the need to give my opinion to a good friend suffering things I can't even begin to understand, unsure of what to do. I admit I failed a couple of times and chimed in with my thoughts, but I consider these unhelpful mistakes. My friend just needed an ear.

In the past three or so years, I've had more conversations like this than I would ever wish on anyone. I've seen men crying and raging like a teenage girl who got dumped while on her period. And most of the time all I can think to do is listen, which, I think, is really what is needed. People need a safe place. People need a bucket that they can vomit into, someone who can really ask "How are you?" and mean it.

So here are a few tips for listening

1) Like I said before, I'm tempted to speak up. When people divulge the pain of life, one can't think in terms of syllogisms and the details of "the right thing to do." There's a time for that, but if that comes at all, it is step number three or four, maybe eight. What people need is for you to shut up and nod.

2) Beverages and food. Every painful conversation should involved both liquids and solids, something light, something comforting. Winter time calls for a hot beverage of course. Coffee shops can be good, but are prone to interruption. A corner of a dining table and three or four cups of coffee go well together. For summer time experiences, a cold drink on a warm summer evening is, I think, the best time to open wounds. Also, having something to drink helps you keep your mouth shut.

3) Avoid sympathetic terms. You probably don't understand what the other person is going through. Having your boyfriend or girlfriend dump you, while significant to you, probably isn't the same as experiencing the pain of destroying your own marriage, being betrayed by family, or failing to the degree that your reputation is thoroughly wrecked. People know you care because you have been sitting on the porch listening to rehashing of the same story since 11:00pm, which was five hours ago. Understanding nods and eye contact are acceptable. No need to open your mouth and say something stupid like, I understand. Unless of course you went through the EXACT same thing and actually can.

I have several more tips, but most of them could be summarized with the following. Shut your mouth, and open your ears and heart.

Also, never say "Don't worry, it will be ok." Worst thing you could possibly say.

That is all.